Courageous Self-Care

What’s in a Word?

I’ve had a long-standing love affair with words. During high school and college, while studying Latin, French and Spanish, I became infatuated with words and their origins. In early adulthood, I amusedly discovered literal commonalities among “dirty words” across language and cultural boundaries. Over time, I have come to a deeper, more mature relationship with words.

My mom was a continuing fount of wisdom in my evolving relationship with words, nurturing a curiosity to know more than what’s simply IN a given word or its origins. For example, if someone was injured, she would opine whether they were actually “broken” or perhaps simply “bent”. And, if mom was in pain, she would often distinguish between whether it was a “hurting” or “healing” pain.

Years later, I am able to extract ever deeper, more personal meanings of my life experiences. Sometimes, it’s by inquiring, “What does this particular word mean for me, within this particular experience?” or “How does this word help me ‘make sense of’ an experience?” Increasingly, it’s helpful to ask, “What lies ‘between’ multiple words and symbols that emerge out of my experiencing?”

In preparing to write this article, I invited an inner sense of what wanted to be written concerning “finding meaning”– this 11^th dimension of wellbeing. First came “felt meaning”—coinciding with my dog, Blue, standing up next to me, physically “asking” to be petted. A moment later, Blue went back to his own quiet place on the floor. I, too, sat quietly. Then, suddenly, Blue was back–this time pushing his nose determinedly through my arm….with a firm insistence. Ah, perhaps I also want to emphasize the idea that acknowledging one’s feelings always plays a role in the meaning-making process.

A few more moments passed. Blue was again lying quietly at my feet as I began to freshly acknowledge something inside—a recognition of how often I find it difficult to give voice to my feelings…..to identify them…..to say them out loud. Suddenly, Blue began quietly growling at something unseen. It almost seemed as though he was offering a quiet reflection of my own inner feelings.

Ah, there’s a low grumble of sadness. Expressing my feelings was something I was never allowed to do. Moreover, there’s a wanting to express my feelings. Except, it’s a fearful, growly-protective sort of wanting…as if it half expects to be squashed or scolded. There’s also a tightness, somehow related to that fear. Yet, there’s also a sense—even with my eyes closed—as though the sun had come out…a momentary, wondrously warm light…..that would graciously accept and welcome my expression.

I smile when the inevitable yawn comes. These yawns have become a kind of shorthand reminder [for me] for letting and allowing…for accepting multiple channels of meaning-making as a way to understand my own life-experiencing…for opening fresh pathways for living forward.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, November). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: What’s In a Word? Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

For All That Is My Life

Sometimes, I feel as though one or more aspects of my life have become disparate tumbleweeds, rolling aimlessly along an unseen path formed by the wind. Busily moving “somewhere”, I feel disconnected to anything tangible and true. On these very days, it feels most important for me to pause to reconnect with my center, my core, my life.

One recent morning, I noticed a sense of swirling around. Not in a dizzying way; rather, the energy from multiple aspects of my life was swirling around me. But this time, each energy entangled itself into one or more of the others, as if the entanglements themselves had joined in for the swirling excitement of the ride.

My initial felt-sensing at the edge of the pause brings a fresh-sounding knowing: “As with charity, intimacy begins at home, with me.” It seems to invite a quality of becoming comfortable, warm and familiar with all that is my life in this particular moment. To be in love with that which is real, rather than with my fantasies and dreams.

Shortly after, an expansive, almost tactile, image appears inside: a fingertip caress—as though caressing a newborn baby with respect, awe and wonder. Alongside, another phrase bubbles up: “being comfortable in my own skin”. And, during silent, wonder-filled moments that follow, an auditory sense of “It really likes the quiet”.

Gradually, I become aware of a kind of vertical push/pull within my chest. First, a spark of “Oh, I can do this!”. Not necessarily that I have anything specific under control, but that I can be up to the challenge. Recognizing, too, a downward side of that push/pull – that feels overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated. And, then, as I can acknowledge there is a “something” both above and below, I also see there is a choice for me to make.

Then, something comes in the back of my mouth and throat–something wanting to speak. As I feel a tightness….in the wanting, I glimpse the possibility to conceive a bit of distance from the wanting (instead of becoming immersed within it). By taking simply a virtual step or two away, it becomes possible to create a space in which to let and allow my own magic (my unique blend of strengths, abilities) to emerge.

For better or for worse, this moment in time IS my life. Who I am in this moment contains both the me I have always been, continuing throughout the bringing forth of the me I am ever-becoming. Being open and quietly self-confident, I more easily understand my role in the overall process of life, accompanied by a continual invitation to celebrate what is. Letting go of ever-present ‘ifs’ and ‘shoulds,’ I freely accept the response-ability to make my own days glad.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, October). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: For All That Is My Life. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Can We Talk?

How can three little words strike such fear and dread inside? When someone asks “Can we talk?”, I instantaneously assume “I’ve done something wrong!” Yet, the resulting conversation is often quite “harmless”. So much adrenaline and worry wasted over something that was never going to happen!

I recently found myself immersed in a variety of “we NEED to talk” discussions with several different people within a concentrated period of time. The intensity of these conversations—both in time span and range—offered me a seminal edge for deeper learning, growth and—ultimately—healing.

From a quiet space inside, I intuited something deeply personal about challenging conversations that I find are so difficult and painful. I could sense an underlying feeling of fear, as I acknowledged a shaky-tightness in the front and center of my chest. This was followed by a slippery-slope kind of connection to something even further underneath. There, I recognized an all-too-familiar shame-filled and guilt-ridden territory of “I’m not doing it right”.

Then, two recent memories emerged, seemingly connected, yet distinct. In the first, I recalled being part of a group experience in which each participant later acknowledged feeling uncomfortable, while also identifying an inner sense of guilt as they recalled their individual response within the situation. In the 2nd, I marveled that a friend could seamlessly shift from a rare, transparent moment of vulnerability while discussing her current pain and anxiety right back into her usual bright and chipper cheerleader mode – as if her acknowledged feelings had never existed.

In the midst of all this, I recognized how difficult it has always been for me to identify (let alone “be with”) my own negative emotions. Both in my childhood upbringing and in relationship with my late husband, emotional expression was eschewed, in favor of thought-filled, “logical” dialogue. This continual de-valuing of negative emotional responses only served to compound my ongoing challenges around “feeling not heard”—in spite of any well-reasoned, unemotional response I might carefully present.

I noticed a pattern: Each conversation included both a strong negative emotion and some combination of inner judgment, guilt, shame and/or blame. An inner invitation soon followed: Might I be able/willing to acknowledge and name my negative feelings as they occur? And/or compassionately notice whether it is a “pure” emotion or one that is linked with judgment/blame of myself or another?

Since then, I have found that naming my feelings continues to present a personal challenge. It is easier to separate out and let go of lingering judgments. I can even laugh about remaining minuscule, tingly “uh-ohs” inside when a colleague invites me to her office “to talk”. And, not surprisingly, I immediately, wholeheartedly and compassionately understand a friend’s plea to “Just tell me what I did wrong!” in response to my asking whether we might talk.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, September). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Can We Talk? Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Playing and Working in Dreamland

I woke up in the middle of the night, in the middle of a dream, midway through an unfolding mystery drama. The setting seemed familiar, but it was dark both inside and out. I was all alone (or so I thought). As I moved through the building, turning on lights, I recognized it as my friends’ cabin at the river. Suddenly, a woman appeared from the back porch, bearing both fresh and aging bruises (as if from multiple beatings). She resolutely recited her chilling tale while my mind shivered with fear, longing for safe rescue for us both. Suddenly, I felt something softly caress my back. With a startled thought of “Oh sh##, now what?!? Who else is here?”, I bolted wide awake—never learning who or what had been behind me.

Sitting with the dream’s memory, I was surprised by a growing sense that—in spite of a myriad of sinister elements within the dream–this unknown hand (or energy) was somehow different. I wasn’t sure I could venture to say it was a “good” thing; although, I was increasingly certain it was not a “bad” thing, there to harm me.

With that acknowledgement, I felt a deep, humble-ing tremble inside that gave me pause. I gradually understood this humble-ing was showing me something that I might learn. Not something I must learn—nor would I be required to learn. Rather, I could choose to both learn about and from it. Plus, a sense were I to take this opportunity to learn more, it would be well worth my while.

During a momentary mind-wandering, a slender, curious wondering slowly slithered its way through my awareness space. “When learning occurs, is it work or is it play? Or something else, altogether? Or, perhaps, a component of both?”

I then became aware of something resembling spotlights (or headlights of a car) pointed straight-on towards me. The bright lights were shining a question—as if to illuminate it: “And just what IS my work?”

My attention then drifted back toward the dream and the mysterious secret it held, still beckoning me to learn from it. Hmmm…. Sensing within this dreamlike mystery play, an awaiting learning opportunity that now felt a bit like “work”—with bright lights coming from that which stood in full view in front of me. Something palpably real remained behind me, yet was still unknown.

Ahhh—a glimmer of possible meaning stepped forward. Might the mysterious wounded stranger standing opposite me, somehow also BE me? Had her wounded experiencing become the light that now shone upon me, while also creating a shadow of darkness behind me? Perhaps my dream had brought me a playful gift of learning to entice me to embrace my own “shadow work” so that I may continue to grow, heal and flourish. I guess perhaps the Shadow does know!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, August). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Playing and Working in Dreamland. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Felt-thinking About Thinking

I’d spent over a week literally thinking about….thinking. After jotting down copious notes, I was feeling overwhelmed. There was far too much I might write about for one brief article. And, all of it seemed equally relevant and important–like how my values and beliefs influence my thoughts as well as my process of thinking. I didn’t know how to move forward. That’s when I decided to pause to sense inside what might be wanting to be heard and shared.

The first thing to come was a feeling of “something” in my chest. It was less about being a particular feeling. Rather, there was a sense to it of….”thoughts don’t happen in a vacuum, there are usually feelings attached”. Gradually, an image emerged into my awareness–as though that feeling-part of me had overheard the invitation and was now running to catch up, breathlessly saying, “Wait, I’m part of this, too! But, we’re not ‘attached’. We’re more like travel companions.”

As that feeling part began to equate with a now-growing, loose-yet-contained creative bundle of energy in my chest, I became aware of something else curiously asking, “But where does the ‘thinking’ come from?” And then, it felt as though there was somehow an observer part of me–located right behind my eyes–looking all around inside of me for some kind of box or container of thoughts. “Oh, is there a box of thoughts? Is there a little workshop somewhere inside here where thoughts are put together?”

I then noticed a creative, playful, imaginative “something” that seemed to be…doing “something”…that felt like it was mentally, “thinking-ly” wading its way through all those earlier notes, pondering freshly how to make sense of it all. Affirming how much there was to think about, to know and understand.

For a moment, again, it all felt so complicated. So, another brief pause, as if to offer a comforting breath of fresh air inside with an unspoken invitation. If there could be one main point that I could convey in this article, what might it be?

At first, a calming sense that all this stuff about thinking is simply more “complex” than “complicated”. With a delighted, fascinated recognition of how a single word can change the whole emotional landscape of a situation. Next to arrive was the concept of CHOICE–acknowledging the liberating influence arising from our ability to consciously choose our thoughts. To the extent that thinking is like a journey or a pathway, we choose the path upon which we wish to walk.

We choose the path we want our thoughts to take: based either timidly in fear, or boldly and courageously from love. And finally, a broad, sweet inner smile of recognition. “Ah, there are the feelings! That’s how they are such close companions of my thoughts!”

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, July). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Felt-thinking about Thinking. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

How Am I Feeling Inside?

What’s wanting my attention right now? How am I feeling about “all that”? Whenever I quietly pause to sense how my body-mind-spirit is holding my experiencing of life—these two invitations provide a welcoming attitude of presence and curiosity.

Recently, the first accessible invitation I noticed was “how am I about that upcoming meeting”….which led into “how am I about that whole project of which this meeting is just one small part”….before expanding into “how am I about ALL the projects currently going on in my life”. Feeling as though a switch had turned on in the center of my chest, I began to notice a warm, round “fullness” inside. It felt something like a sun, although [Read more…] about How Am I Feeling Inside?