Sensing

A Relationship with Food

I used to think I was a foodie–that is, until I met Blue, my newly adopted dog. He seems totally motivated by food, which makes it easy to nurture our relationship with lots of treats to reward his good behavior. Meanwhile, I’ve been noticing a fresh invitation inside to bring a “healthy yes” to my own relationship with food.

As I “sit with” all this, I first become aware of places inside me that want to stretch and be stretched. Ah, yes – it feels as though it’s not “just” my muscles, but also my whole relationship with food that is wanting to stretch.

It’s intriguing. While I often learn by how things are similar, I sense that the differences between how Blue and I regard food will influence this discovery process. As much as I LOVE food, I’m neither motivated FOR it nor BY it. Yet, there’s something about my relationship WITH it that is wanting to grow and change. For example, I have a “pattern” of going out of my way to get food “on the go” [usually less healthy and often unsatisfying] when I may already have food here at home that’s available, and perhaps even prepared.

With a recently made simple change – to consciously choose a meal from food that is already available at home – I also notice a shift in Blue’s and my relationship. Now, whenever I prepare food, he’s right there next to me, looking for treats. So, no matter what raw fruit or veggie I’m cutting up [that’s safe for him to eat], I offer him some. He loves his healthy treats. And our relationship bond continues to strengthen.

I begin to sense inside a mere whisper of something that feels like tears–as if I’m letting go of something from the past. Ah, a budding realization that part of my relationship with food has served as a substitute for whatever nourishing relationships that weren’t happening for me as a child. As I dip more deeply inside, allowing time to speak those words aloud, I also feel a physical, constricted tightening around the outside of my throat being met by yearning, yawning stretches from the inside.

Remembering the smoothie I had for breakfast, I also notice a kind of spacious feeling inside. Simultaneously, my body-mind begins to differentiate between sensations of “empty”, “spacious”, “full”….and something else…..Ah, there’s a wanting to “stay full” because it’s afraid of “being empty”. The word “enough” bubbles to the surface, tinged with worry. As I remember that I always seem to “have” enough, it seems this sense of worry is really about not “being” enough!

I feel a bit like the Sankofa bird—that moves forward as it looks backward holding an egg in its mouth. With a grateful smile, I realize this life-giving forward energy involves food!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, April). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A relationship with food. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

A Sense of “Being With”

“Are you ok?” The young man’s concern penetrated my awareness. Moments earlier, we had both been part of a group elsewhere in the building. I had slipped away from the group to respond to an unexpected text message I had just received. He had followed close behind.

He told me that he had purposefully followed me out to the hallway and that he often finds himself choosing to “hang on” with someone to help ease his anxiety. How fascinating, I thought–for I already noticed I was experiencing a bit of anxiety inside me as well. Except, mine had stemmed from sensing him simply wanting to “hang on” to my presence.

The next day, I spent a few moments inviting a fresh inner sense of the “all that” around this interesting dichotomy. First, I remembered being a young girl, when my younger girl cousins would come to visit and tend to follow me around, as if to “hang on” to my every action. And, then, a more recent, contrasting memory emerged. Following an out-of-town trip getting to know a new friend–he told me how abandoned he felt when at one point during our visit I had “walked away from him”.

Sitting there with both of those memories, tears began to well up in my eyes–that sharp, salty, old, deep, emotional kind of tears. I could also sense the tears in front of me–on my upper right side. As if standing behind it, I began to sense of how anxious that place inside feels to have someone around too much, or to be among too many people at once, at the same time.

Yet, even as I stayed with that place, a part of me moved around to stand a little bit to the right of the teary place. As I looked on it from the right side, there was a vague wondering of….very early on….did someone push ME away? Was there someone who didn’t want me? As I said those words aloud, the teary place felt suddenly heard. Fresh, cleansing tears began to flow. This time, tears of recognition that I had never encountered that question–that possibility–in quite that way before.

With the tears, arrived a deep (almost knowing) understanding of my mother’s probable challenge–how to welcome and cherish a long-hoped-for daughter into an already exhausting household filled with the energy of 3 boys under the age of nine. No wonder it seemed as though she never quite knew how to be with me…until, much later in life, when we learned how to be with each other.

I sat a few moments longer, appreciating different perspectives of “being with” another. Suddenly, a cold, wet nose captured my attention. Ah, it’s Blue, that delightful, new 4-footed guy in my life—an altogether different “being with” story!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, March). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A sense of being with. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

A New Year = A Fresh Start: What’s Here for You? *

Ever wonder what nurses who are passionate about “self-care” talk about when they get together?

First, let me introduce you to Keith Carlson of NurseKeith.com and co-host of RN.FM Radio Show.

On January 21, 2013, I was a guest on Keith’s RN.FM Radio Show. You can catch a replay of the show here.

Keith had invited me to share a blog post for his readers. I did, and am also reposting it below:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

During the first meeting of the year with my two “mastermind” buddies, Sue started us off with a centering exercise. As we paused to become aware of our individual surroundings, she invited us to first envision a clear whiteboard.

While I then expected to hear (and what she probably did say) was that there was a box of shiny “markers” next to the whiteboard. However, what I heard (and then visualized) was a box of shiny “erasers”!

Wow! I could tell this was going to be an interesting exercise, as long as I could graciously welcome what was there for me in that moment.

Step One: Pause. Noticing freshly what’s here inside now.

Hmmm. There’s the whiteboard itself – bright, shiny, and undisturbed – almost like freshly fallen snow. And there’s the box of shiny, multi-colored erasers. And nothing else.

Step Two: Turn. Letting go of any lingering need to do the exercise “right”, so that I can “be with” what’s here for me now.

Swiftly, some memories come:

From earlier that morning, as I had begun inputting more projects and action steps into the new software I was learning: worried feelings of “Oh my god, there’s SO much to do” and “Don’t make the list any longer.”
From decades ago, while I was still practicing bed-side nursing, whenever I would be assigned to a patient in isolation: a still not-understood/un-resolved “something” about the process of having to “gown up” (including mask and gloves) to be inside the patient’s room for an undetermined amount of time.

Step Three: Listen. Acknowledging, welcoming and hearing the “inner guest(s)” that arrive.

I find myself acknowledging the long-term relationship I’ve had with the decades-old “isolation room” experience– and recognize that the “felt-memory of it all” often stops by for a visit when I also feel overwhelmed by things that “need” to be done. There’s a sense that it’s also connected somehow to the overall concept of “time management.” It’s evident that there’s more to be learned here – and I let this old friend know I really want to take the time to get to know it better as the coming days unfold.

As I turn back to the still-present feeling of “there’s too much to do”, I notice several interrelated aspects unfolding within it:

There’s a difference between those activities I “have” to do and those I “want” [and/or “choose”] to do.
The software’s byline of “Simply Get it Done” brings a sense of comfort and ease inside of me – especially combined with a thought of including only those projects to which I have freely committed(in contrast to the necessary tasks/chores of daily life).
Ahh……now the new software-related project begins to feel more like an “Integrity List” that helps me assure to get those things done that I truly WANT to do.

Noticing a “felt-shift” inside of me, another memory fragment comes – of gently cradling my kitty, Sheba on the examination table during a New Year’s Eve visit to the veterinarian. Ahh….it begins to feel inside as if there is room for me to breathe and grow…..together…..with my “want-to-do” list.

As the envisioning exercise draws to a close (could it really have been only 2-3 minutes?), two new words come into my awareness about the whiteboard and the nearby erasers: “Spacious ease”.

What a delicious transformation from where I started the exercise. And, I take one more breath to thank my body-mind-spirit for yet another of its luscious gifts—in return for my taking a moment to “Pause, Turn and Listen” inside.

Perhaps you’d like to experience a transformative shift of your own about something current within your own life. I offer private sessions that can help you do just that.

*Note: An earlier version of this post was originally published on January 17, 2013.

by mary elaine kiener 2 Comments

Embracing What Chooses Me

“Pause–and then, without looking, select the one that has already chosen you”, Sibyl instructed as she handed a small stack of postcards to the person seated closest to her. And, so began one of the circle gatherings Sibyl led for the small group of woman who had joined with her for a magical week in San Miguel. We waited until each had a card lying face down on the table in front of us. Then, all together, we noticed that each of us had selected a different self-portrait by the Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo.

I held the image in which Frida’s face replaces that of a wounded deer standing alone in the middle of a forest clearing, its back and chest pierced with arrows dripping with blood. As I pondered its message for me that afternoon, the words that came were simply “wounded healer”. I sensed there would be more to come – and in the days and weeks since my return home – more has come, allowing the painting’s gift for me to grow gradually clearer.

I have learned about Frida—gaining an understanding about her work and the life that inspired her painting, as well as how she used her art to articulate her story while finding her own way forward. During an interview about the 2002 film entitled “Frida”, Salma Hayek (who portrayed Frida and also served as co-producer) explained the conscious choice to emphasize Frida’s inherent vitality within the story, in spite of the long-lasting pain and medical complications that often left her hospitalized or bedridden throughout her adult life.

It’s just now, as I’m writing this article that I have found the painting’s title: “Poor Little Deer”. I chuckle a bit at the irony: so often we respond to another’s pain and suffering with an exclamatory “Oh, you poor dear!” Our words are often reactively pity-filled, fueled with our own fears around “but for the grace of god, go I”.

I’m reminded of my mother’s tongue-in-cheek differentiation between someone being “bent” vs. “broken”. And, then, of a mentor’s gentle nudge as I once considered how to deal with a challenging colleague. Was I seeing her as broken and in need of fixing? What might change if, instead, I could view the other as creative, resourceful and already whole?

My learnings entice me to someday travel deeper into Jung’s world of archetypes and Nouwen’s subsequent writings about the wounded healer. Perhaps, there, I might also discover fresh ways forward during this next phase of my life and work.

Yet, for this moment, I will begin by choosing to acknowledge and embrace my own oft-bandaged wound as its own source of healing. Trusting that–without belaboring my own experience–I can lovingly listen and respond to another’s pain from within my own space of courageous wellbeing.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, January). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Embracing what chooses me. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Now Is The Time

Now is the time–
A promise needs to be kept.
A decision needs to be made.

An earlier dream morphed into current disappointments,
with new opportunity “gifts” that need to be weighed–
and there’s a heaviness on my heart.

May I be filled with Loving Kindness
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be whole.

A list of pros and cons is still…..merely a list…..
My presence matters,
amidst infinite choices of how and where to be present.

Yet, how do I choose–what’s to keep for myself,
and what’s to give away?
Is there a way to let my own light shine,
and allow another’s light to shine as well?

May you be filled with Loving Kindness
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be whole.

My CHOICE matters…..
It is for me to believe (and do) what I must.
How will I know?

Asking within —
where all is held;
sensing when heart space responds
to a simple “yes” and simple “no”.

Decision now clear, it’s time to follow through.
And welcome spirit’s unexpected gift.

May we be filled with Loving Kindness
May we be peaceful and at ease.
May we be whole.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

I happened to see a stunningly beautiful short video this evening while taking a break from the day’s tasks.

Wanting to share it with a friend, I searched online and found the video included as part of a TEDx talk from last year. It was so lovely to learn a bit more about Louie Schwartzberg, the film’s creator that it made sense to share both his introduction and the video itself [the entire clip is just under 10 minutes long].

Louie Schwartzberg is an award-winning cinematographer, director and producer who captures breathtaking images that celebrate life — revealing connections, universal rhythms, patterns and beauty.