Communicating

The Quarrel Defines Us

The quarrel is not between ourselves, it is within us. The quarrel is between one’s own desires and that which is demanded. The quarrel is between the body and its longings, the soul and its terrors, and the mind, yearning to be free. The quarrel defines us. It drives us forwards, upwards, to our knees in prayer. You must embrace the quarrel. The quarrel will lead us to the answer. It is everything we are.*

I have loved the unfolding stories in Call the Midwife over the years. For its socio-cultural and historical relevance as seen through the eyes of nurse-midwives in the midst of changing societal norms. For its honest depictions of the communal life of nuns during the mid 20th century. For its exquisite character portrayals within a brilliant ensemble cast.

It’s been nearly a decade since I relinquished my cable TV service. [My 60th birthday gift to myself was to wrap the cable box with yellow ribbon to return it to the cable TV office!] Since then, I’ve relied on Netflix DVDs to get my “fix”. Once I made it through Series 1 through 7, I was left waiting until Series 8 not only came to the US, but then was actually available via DVD.

This evening, my patience was amply rewarded.

I so loved the above wisdom offered by the newly introduced cast member. It resonated for me on so many levels—both personally and societally. Its relevance seems to match the description of our space here: that of “Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Inside me, with you, among us.”

Learning to be in “right relationship” with the quarrels inside and around us. For within the quarrel lies the “heart of the matter”—the seed of the answers we seek.

* Call the Midwife, Series 8, 2018 Christmas Episode.

by mary elaine kiener 2 Comments

Conversations with My GPS

Start Your Engine *

Day 1 of a 14-day car trip by myself: A beautiful day, filled with clear skies, warm sun and an open road. It was a perfect day for a drive through the countryside.

I had a destination to reach the following day. But, for a day, I was totally on my own—free to explore a bit of the lovely countryside that patiently waited.

Alone with my thoughts, I was suddenly tempted by the promise of a scenic by-way. As I chose the new road, my peaceful reverie was suddenly intercepted by a woman’s voice, quietly announcing: “Calculating route.”

Ah, yes, I’d almost forgotten about my new travel companion—my recently purchased GPS (Global Positioning System). Inspired by her brand name (Magellan) and feminine voice, it had seemed only natural to name her “Maggie.”

“Such a pleasant change,” I thought, as I recalled car trips with my late husband, during times when I was driving. Whenever I would choose to stray from a route that he had expected me to take, he would often respond with a startled and impatient “Why did you turn there?” or “Where are you going now?” Followed by either raised voices or stony silence, with an unhealthy dose of blame or shame and hurt feelings thrown in for good measure.

As the days of my journey with Maggie unfolded, I found that—just as she helped me navigate a 2000 mile car trip—she emerged as a kind of metaphor for my inner wisdom as I navigate my personal life journey. With a growing sense of curiosity, I explored various ways I might listen to myself that were nestled within my experience with Maggie as a travel companion.

A still, small voice

Once Maggie knew our destination, she became like the still, small voice of wisdom inside of each of us—our inner compass. As I neared a turn or an exit, she would always give me gentle spoken reminders, ending with a little chime as I would arrive at the designated exit. Often, especially when on the freeway, she would even let me know that I should “stay on the current road.”

Reminder to self: How often do I check in with myself—my inner wisdom? Do I remember to listen to my “felt sense”—that bodily sense of knowing that I can always trust to keep me on my right path? How often do I ignore that little voice inside of me? How often do I wait until it has to practically shout at me before I stop and pay attention?

Maintaining focus

As Maggie started to work, her opening screen would include a reminder to keep my eyes on the road and pay attention to my driving. Brief check-ins with the screen images were ok, but my focus needed to be in the task at hand: driving safely from here to there.

Reminder to self: In my daily life, where is my focus? Am I paying attention to the present moment, or am I lost in thoughts and feelings from past events? Am I so bogged down with could’s, should’s and ought’s that I miss the beauty and perfection that surrounds me? When I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed–not sure of where to turn–do I stop at least long enough to breathe? Do I remember to check in with myself and get my bearings before barreling ahead?

The inner critic

Once I had programmed the desired destination, Maggie offered several alternative settings (i.e., fastest time, shortest distance, most use of freeways or least use of freeways) before creating the recommended route. Whenever I happened to deviate from the route she had provided, Maggie always maintained her equanimity, with never an emotional outburst replacing her ever-present, even-tempered response, “Calculating route.”

Reminder to self: That inner critic that often resides inside my brain, is NOT part of my inner wisdom. I can acknowledge the fear that tends to underlie my mind’s self-protective settings that manifest as blame, shame, snarky and snotty. And then switch to my preferred channel of self-talk.

A long leash of serendipity

A few times, I evidently chose one too many scenic detours from the established route. However, Maggie declined to pout or offer any snide comments. Instead, in a sort of resigned puzzlement, she quietly invited me to “Say a command,” as her screen offered several options for me to clarify my needs. Once she was reassured of my final destination, she was content to let me continue to explore various byways. Blessedly, she also kept track of my time commitment, so that I could easily arrive at my destination on time.

Reminder to self: The more I can honor my creative urges, while respecting necessary deadlines, the less stressful my life will become. Knowing my inherent level of curiosity and my propensity for immersing myself within an exploratory journey of learning, how can I consistently anticipate and include that exploration time into my scheduling process?

Tuning out the world

On several occasions during the trip, I knew exactly where I was and how to get to where I was going. I was self-assured and confident, my direction was clear. At times, I simply ignored the quiet commands as they occurred (especially easy if the radio or a CD was playing). Once or twice, I actually turned Maggie off, with gratitude for both her willingness to assist, but also for the renewed silence in the car.

Reminder to self: Sometimes the chatter from the outside world distracts me from my values and goals. Am I able to separate myself from the distractions that surround me? Am I able to make a well-reasoned decision and move forward toward desired action steps with confidence and without need for outside support and acclamation? And am I willing to bless myself with occasional silence? Do I schedule opportunities to withdraw from the busy push-tug world around me (e.g., by turning off email and cell-phone)?

A personal GPS unit

For all her recognized benefits, Maggie could never quite measure up to being my ideal travel companion and conversationalist. She’s a bit too matter-of-fact, with no ability for idle chit-chat. And she seems to have no sense of humor. While I loved her non-judgmental approach, I did miss the opportunity for compassionate and empathetic dialogue.

Interestingly, during the middle of my two week journey, I participated in a Focusing Institute Summer School. During 6 full days, along with about 70 other wonder-full souls, I learned to listen to my “felt sense,” which Ann Weiser Cornell describes as “a body sensation that has meaning.”

As a result, I returned from my travels with a second fully-functioning personal GPS system. In this case, GPS could mean “grounded power source,” “gut-perfect sensations,” or even “grounded presence, subtlely.” This newly tuned device resides deep within my body wisdom, ever ready to compassionately keep me on track. As long as I’m willing and ready to listen.

* Originally published September 8, 2008. Updated, April 17, 2019.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

8 Celebrations a Day

A Love Letter from Alex *

Some days it really pays to sort through old files. This afternoon, I found a stack of love letters and cards from my late husband, Alex.

He wrote an especially beautiful letter at a point during our courtship when I was going through a really rough patch at work. I thought you might find his words as comforting-and inspirational–as I did. Both then, and now:

I send you my affection and love to be with you….keep us close together during the trying times….calling on our total energies to help you through….but also call on our combined energies and love when it is time to celebrate at the high times of each day – there should be at least 8 celebrations each day….

When you awake…to another day, the purr of a cat, to the sneeze of [the dog], to the song of birds or to the first ray of sunlight.

Sipping a cup of tea, munching on a crust of toast, peanut butter or crunching a dry cereal for breakfast.

Taking a walk in the out-of-doors regardless of snow, rain, sleet, sun, or cottonwood seeds gliding down to earth, smelling the scents of earth, water, cut grass, sweat of a horse, after shave lotion, fresh dab of perfume or baby oil.

Greetings from friends, acquaintances, students, strangers, passer-bys, your own image reflected in a mirror or storefront window. Surprize….being alive to all which surrounds you each moment in each day.

Listening and hearing the sounds of your own voice…talking, yelling, singing, laughing, whispering.

Touching…oh so many objects, people, animals, buildings, your car, a flower, a caterpillar, the wine in your goblet, the lips of your lover….your own body….with pride, delight and passion.

To be emotional….full range and depth…no limit…full limit…restrained and then abounding…internal and external-Yeah! Take it in…Give and let it out….Human and Full of Life.

To sleep and rest after a fantasy called life which has been experienced….throughout each day.

That my Mary Is what you do! Each and Every day of your creative and beautiful life. Celebrate the existence of yourself with each and every living creature-

I too will celebrate life with you….each day and each moment of that day-

I enjoy spending these seconds with you.

***

* Originally published 12/8/2008

Image Credits:

Love Letters by Patricia Lazar on Flickr (cc) Some Rights Reserved

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Slow Down. Pay Attention. Enjoy.

This past week, my dog, Blue and I celebrated the 3rd anniversary of us adopting each other. He’s such a sweetheart and I so relish our life together.

Although it’s taken me awhile, I’m finally getting better at translating his different types of mumbling, grumbling and singing behaviors when he’s trying to get my attention. And, now that I’m returned from my most recent trip, he seems to be listening a bit better to me, as well.

Part of the key is for each of us to slow down a bit so that we CAN take the time to listen to each other. Now, it’s one thing for me to make a conscious choice to pause for a moment so that I can offer him my full attention. And, I think it’s how I’m better able to differentiate between “I gotta go pee”, “I wanna play”, “I’m hungry” or “Please give me some love”.

But, it’s a whole ‘nother thing to expect him to control his inbred Lab impulsiveness! However, I’ve been gradually incorporating new behaviors that invite him to slow down a bit–especially as it relates to eating! For example, he’d already grown accustomed to “down-stay” a few feet away as I carry his food dish to his eating area. Although, I must admit, the resulting drooling for that moment or two is pretty gross–albeit amusing!

This past week, I re-introduced the idea of stuffing his veggie treats into a Kong. He sees it as an extra treat-within-a-toy and seems to stay occupied longer than with just the food. I also found a new food dish, a Siensync Slow Feeder Dog Bowl and found that he’ll now take about 3 minutes to eat a meal–rather than the usual 20 seconds it used to take him. Here’s a cute [34 sec.] video of his reaction to the new dish =>

Who knows? Maybe all this “slowing down”, “paying attention” and “enjoying” will have further benefits for us both!

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Can We Talk?

How can three little words strike such fear and dread inside? When someone asks “Can we talk?”, I instantaneously assume “I’ve done something wrong!” Yet, the resulting conversation is often quite “harmless”. So much adrenaline and worry wasted over something that was never going to happen!

I recently found myself immersed in a variety of “we NEED to talk” discussions with several different people within a concentrated period of time. The intensity of these conversations—both in time span and range—offered me a seminal edge for deeper learning, growth and—ultimately—healing.

From a quiet space inside, I intuited something deeply personal about challenging conversations that I find are so difficult and painful. I could sense an underlying feeling of fear, as I acknowledged a shaky-tightness in the front and center of my chest. This was followed by a slippery-slope kind of connection to something even further underneath. There, I recognized an all-too-familiar shame-filled and guilt-ridden territory of “I’m not doing it right”.

Then, two recent memories emerged, seemingly connected, yet distinct. In the first, I recalled being part of a group experience in which each participant later acknowledged feeling uncomfortable, while also identifying an inner sense of guilt as they recalled their individual response within the situation. In the 2nd, I marveled that a friend could seamlessly shift from a rare, transparent moment of vulnerability while discussing her current pain and anxiety right back into her usual bright and chipper cheerleader mode – as if her acknowledged feelings had never existed.

In the midst of all this, I recognized how difficult it has always been for me to identify (let alone “be with”) my own negative emotions. Both in my childhood upbringing and in relationship with my late husband, emotional expression was eschewed, in favor of thought-filled, “logical” dialogue. This continual de-valuing of negative emotional responses only served to compound my ongoing challenges around “feeling not heard”—in spite of any well-reasoned, unemotional response I might carefully present.

I noticed a pattern: Each conversation included both a strong negative emotion and some combination of inner judgment, guilt, shame and/or blame. An inner invitation soon followed: Might I be able/willing to acknowledge and name my negative feelings as they occur? And/or compassionately notice whether it is a “pure” emotion or one that is linked with judgment/blame of myself or another?

Since then, I have found that naming my feelings continues to present a personal challenge. It is easier to separate out and let go of lingering judgments. I can even laugh about remaining minuscule, tingly “uh-ohs” inside when a colleague invites me to her office “to talk”. And, not surprisingly, I immediately, wholeheartedly and compassionately understand a friend’s plea to “Just tell me what I did wrong!” in response to my asking whether we might talk.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, September). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Can We Talk? Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener 8 Comments

A Relationship with Food

I used to think I was a foodie–that is, until I met Blue, my newly adopted dog. He seems totally motivated by food, which makes it easy to nurture our relationship with lots of treats to reward his good behavior. Meanwhile, I’ve been noticing a fresh invitation inside to bring a “healthy yes” to my own relationship with food.

As I “sit with” all this, I first become aware of places inside me that want to stretch and be stretched. Ah, yes – it feels as though it’s not “just” my muscles, but also my whole relationship with food that is wanting to stretch.

It’s intriguing. While I often learn by how things are similar, I sense that the differences between how Blue and I regard food will influence this discovery process. As much as I LOVE food, I’m neither motivated FOR it nor BY it. Yet, there’s something about my relationship WITH it that is wanting to grow and change. For example, I have a “pattern” of going out of my way to get food “on the go” [usually less healthy and often unsatisfying] when I may already have food here at home that’s available, and perhaps even prepared.

With a recently made simple change – to consciously choose a meal from food that is already available at home – I also notice a shift in Blue’s and my relationship. Now, whenever I prepare food, he’s right there next to me, looking for treats. So, no matter what raw fruit or veggie I’m cutting up [that’s safe for him to eat], I offer him some. He loves his healthy treats. And our relationship bond continues to strengthen.

I begin to sense inside a mere whisper of something that feels like tears–as if I’m letting go of something from the past. Ah, a budding realization that part of my relationship with food has served as a substitute for whatever nourishing relationships that weren’t happening for me as a child. As I dip more deeply inside, allowing time to speak those words aloud, I also feel a physical, constricted tightening around the outside of my throat being met by yearning, yawning stretches from the inside.

Remembering the smoothie I had for breakfast, I also notice a kind of spacious feeling inside. Simultaneously, my body-mind begins to differentiate between sensations of “empty”, “spacious”, “full”….and something else…..Ah, there’s a wanting to “stay full” because it’s afraid of “being empty”. The word “enough” bubbles to the surface, tinged with worry. As I remember that I always seem to “have” enough, it seems this sense of worry is really about not “being” enough!

I feel a bit like the Sankofa bird—that moves forward as it looks backward holding an egg in its mouth. With a grateful smile, I realize this life-giving forward energy involves food!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, April). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A relationship with food. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.