Mary Elaine Kiener

How Am I Feeling Inside?

What’s wanting my attention right now? How am I feeling about “all that”? Whenever I quietly pause to sense how my body-mind-spirit is holding my experiencing of life—these two invitations provide a welcoming attitude of presence and curiosity.

Recently, the first accessible invitation I noticed was “how am I about that upcoming meeting”….which led into “how am I about that whole project of which this meeting is just one small part”….before expanding into “how am I about ALL the projects currently going on in my life”. Feeling as though a switch had turned on in the center of my chest, I began to notice a warm, round “fullness” inside. It felt something like a sun, although [Read more…] about How Am I Feeling Inside?

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A Pause within Moving-Forwardness

Yikes, the exercise gods had spoken. Or, maybe just the Fitbit goddess on my wrist.

For years, I’ve strived to consistently meet the minimum recommended goal of 10,000 steps per day. It never seemed to matter whether you got them in all at once or whether they were spread out through the day.

Fitbit recently raised its ante with a new challenge: track how many hours you move 250+ steps. At first, it was fun exploring 250-step “equivalents” (e.g., 8 round-trip stair climbing between the 1st and 2nd floor or 7 “circles” around the first floor of my house, etc.). Blue (the dog) certainly enjoyed the game, trotting along merrily at my heels. It soon felt stressful—rather than playful—as I started conjuring how to “game” the tracking system itself: perhaps by walking 500+ steps at the top of each hour, I could then get credit for two separate time-blocks.

Until, in a rather unusual way, “inertia” stepped in. I had just read a recently published article that referenced inertia from its use in physics: “The property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.” I was particularly intrigued with the idea of inertia being able to include “velocity”. So, I decided to allow the Fitbit to simply continue tracking both my moving and non-moving, while I shifted my attention to more intricate facets for this dimension of wellbeing.

At first, there’s this whole thing about…moving as it relates to time. If time moves forward and I stay put, then I get “stuck”. Yet, if I move out of rhythm with time (so that I’m either ahead or behind), then I’m out of sync. The image of a river’s current spawns a curious wondering about my way of being in the world. Is wellbeing a future-time goal or outcome that I achieve only by crossing through the current to reach the opposite shore? Or, is wellbeing somehow “flowing” in the current itself? Ah, yes, what I long to find: a way to be in synchrony with the flow of time so that there’s both a sense of moving and being still–in the moment, in the now.

Gradually, a concept of “inertly moving” shifts into a sense of “moving forwardness” even while still. A fresh image comes – of sitting inside a train, next to another train. There’s a sense of movement, although hard to distinguish which train is actually moving. Then, I remember encountering a glacier, a river of ice—its own forceful power constantly moving, albeit imperceptibly.

Ah…”moving stillness”…movement that comes from the stillness…offering a pause in my moving-forwardness. And, now, by odd coincidence, the Fitbit has suddenly and permanently “paused”—no longer willing to track ANY movement!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, May). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A relationship with food. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by Mary Elaine Kiener 2 Comments

Experiential Peer Listening

Vasudeva listened with great attention. It was one of the ferryman’s greatest virtues that, like few people, he knew how to listen … the speaker felt that Vasudeva took in every word, quietly, expectantly, that he missed nothing … He did not await anything with impatience and gave neither praise nor blame–he only listened … Siddhartha felt how wonderful it was to have such a listener who could be absorbed in another’s life … [Herman Hesse, Siddartha]

So begins Chapter Five: Listening from Neil Friedman’s 2007 book entitled, Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT) (pp. 67-92), which was essentially an updated version of an article originally published in 2005 by the Journal of Humanistic Psychology.

Friedman then continued in his own words:

Therapists listen. Many of us listen well. Some of us–including myself–do not listen as well as we think we do. There is a special form of listening — experiential listening — that can help us all be more effective listeners.

Neil Friedman (1940-2008) had learned Focusing in the early days with Eugene Gendlin. He was a prolific writer of Focusing – authoring ten books and numerous published papers in various professional journals. He spent much of his life, living and breathing Focusing as a way of being…and in his work as a psychotherapist and Certifying Focusing Coordinator and Trainer.

Throughout the rest of his wonderfully personable, self-effacing yet knowledgeable text, Neil offered many lessons and examples of experiential listening with the goal of helping “us all” [i.e., therapists] become more effective listeners. Neil had written primarily for an audience of his peers – his fellow psychotherapists.

As much as I longed to use his article as a teaching tool with my own Focusing students–the vast majority of whom are not mental health professionals–I was concerned about the lack of distinction between examples of “peer” listening and more advanced or therapeutic listening. In addition, I have also observed in my teaching that “advanced listening” professionals (e.g., therapists and/or coaches) often need to acknowledge the cognitive dissonance of learning this new set of experiential listening skills.

As a result, I found myself wanting to adapt Neil’s wonderful discussion of experiential listening to better meet the needs of a lay audience of peer listeners. Unfortunately, since Neil is no longer living, it was not possible to obtain his permission to revise his work. Instead, I spoke with people close to Neil, who assured me that he would be happy with the carrying forward and adaptation of his work, as long as the credit for his original work and words were acknowledged and carried forward.

In that spirit, I am delighted to share my adaptation of his work–simply fill out the form below.

by Mary Elaine Kiener 2 Comments

A taste of “something” inside….

Original photo by www.picjumbo.com — Photo by www.picjumbo.com

I had just begun to describe the general topic of an article I was in the midst of writing. Part way through that description, I uttered two seemingly innocent words: “it’s that…” before turning toward another part of my story. Yet, a moment later, I paused to turn back to that space surrounding those two words. For I had recognized I was just beginning to sense “something….like I was ‘tasting’ right where I wanted to be with the [topic]….It was right there, and yet it wasn’t quite there.”

Because of Focusing, I knew exactly what my next step would be–to take a moment to pause to be with that “taste of something” inside–trusting that some fresh new way of knowing and becoming could come from that inner place.

Sure enough, within the next few moments, more understanding began to emerge, mixed with sense memories and current sensory experiencing, before blossoming into a fresh relating with a familiar analogy.

Before learning about Focusing, I often struggled for months–even years–to find my way forward through that creative, life-forwarding space. Until August, 2008, when I attended the Focusing Institute Summer School, where I began to learn the language of Focusing and its practice.

By the end of that magical week, I suddenly felt as though I had come home–both to myself and within this wonderful community of Focusers. I left Summer School knowing that Focusing had already become an integral part of both my life and my work. Since then, I’ve found my way back to Summer School nearly every year–for a special, week-long immersion of learning.

In the following [10 min] video, my mentor, Ann Weiser Cornell, speaks a bit about the basics of Focusing that she’ll be teaching at the Summer School.

I’ve already registered for this year’s Focusing Institute Summer School, which is being held in Joshua Tree, California from August 21-27.

I’d love to meet you there! And, the good folks at the Focusing Institute have made it possible for you to receive a special “friend discount” when you register–simply by including my name [Mary Elaine Kiener] as instructed in the “choose friend discount” section.

Who knows, maybe you’ll find your way “back home to yourself” like I did my first time at FISS!

by Mary Elaine Kiener 8 Comments

A Relationship with Food

I used to think I was a foodie–that is, until I met Blue, my newly adopted dog. He seems totally motivated by food, which makes it easy to nurture our relationship with lots of treats to reward his good behavior. Meanwhile, I’ve been noticing a fresh invitation inside to bring a “healthy yes” to my own relationship with food.

As I “sit with” all this, I first become aware of places inside me that want to stretch and be stretched. Ah, yes – it feels as though it’s not “just” my muscles, but also my whole relationship with food that is wanting to stretch.

It’s intriguing. While I often learn by how things are similar, I sense that the differences between how Blue and I regard food will influence this discovery process. As much as I LOVE food, I’m neither motivated FOR it nor BY it. Yet, there’s something about my relationship WITH it that is wanting to grow and change. For example, I have a “pattern” of going out of my way to get food “on the go” [usually less healthy and often unsatisfying] when I may already have food here at home that’s available, and perhaps even prepared.

With a recently made simple change – to consciously choose a meal from food that is already available at home – I also notice a shift in Blue’s and my relationship. Now, whenever I prepare food, he’s right there next to me, looking for treats. So, no matter what raw fruit or veggie I’m cutting up [that’s safe for him to eat], I offer him some. He loves his healthy treats. And our relationship bond continues to strengthen.

I begin to sense inside a mere whisper of something that feels like tears–as if I’m letting go of something from the past. Ah, a budding realization that part of my relationship with food has served as a substitute for whatever nourishing relationships that weren’t happening for me as a child. As I dip more deeply inside, allowing time to speak those words aloud, I also feel a physical, constricted tightening around the outside of my throat being met by yearning, yawning stretches from the inside.

Remembering the smoothie I had for breakfast, I also notice a kind of spacious feeling inside. Simultaneously, my body-mind begins to differentiate between sensations of “empty”, “spacious”, “full”….and something else…..Ah, there’s a wanting to “stay full” because it’s afraid of “being empty”. The word “enough” bubbles to the surface, tinged with worry. As I remember that I always seem to “have” enough, it seems this sense of worry is really about not “being” enough!

I feel a bit like the Sankofa bird—that moves forward as it looks backward holding an egg in its mouth. With a grateful smile, I realize this life-giving forward energy involves food!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, April). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A relationship with food. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

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A Sense of “Being With”

“Are you ok?” The young man’s concern penetrated my awareness. Moments earlier, we had both been part of a group elsewhere in the building. I had slipped away from the group to respond to an unexpected text message I had just received. He had followed close behind.

He told me that he had purposefully followed me out to the hallway and that he often finds himself choosing to “hang on” with someone to help ease his anxiety. How fascinating, I thought–for I already noticed I was experiencing a bit of anxiety inside me as well. Except, mine had stemmed from sensing him simply wanting to “hang on” to my presence.

The next day, I spent a few moments inviting a fresh inner sense of the “all that” around this interesting dichotomy. First, I remembered being a young girl, when my younger girl cousins would come to visit and tend to follow me around, as if to “hang on” to my every action. And, then, a more recent, contrasting memory emerged. Following an out-of-town trip getting to know a new friend–he told me how abandoned he felt when at one point during our visit I had “walked away from him”.

Sitting there with both of those memories, tears began to well up in my eyes–that sharp, salty, old, deep, emotional kind of tears. I could also sense the tears in front of me–on my upper right side. As if standing behind it, I began to sense of how anxious that place inside feels to have someone around too much, or to be among too many people at once, at the same time.

Yet, even as I stayed with that place, a part of me moved around to stand a little bit to the right of the teary place. As I looked on it from the right side, there was a vague wondering of….very early on….did someone push ME away? Was there someone who didn’t want me? As I said those words aloud, the teary place felt suddenly heard. Fresh, cleansing tears began to flow. This time, tears of recognition that I had never encountered that question–that possibility–in quite that way before.

With the tears, arrived a deep (almost knowing) understanding of my mother’s probable challenge–how to welcome and cherish a long-hoped-for daughter into an already exhausting household filled with the energy of 3 boys under the age of nine. No wonder it seemed as though she never quite knew how to be with me…until, much later in life, when we learned how to be with each other.

I sat a few moments longer, appreciating different perspectives of “being with” another. Suddenly, a cold, wet nose captured my attention. Ah, it’s Blue, that delightful, new 4-footed guy in my life—an altogether different “being with” story!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, March). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A sense of being with. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.