Self Responsibility & Love

Embracing What Chooses Me

“Pause–and then, without looking, select the one that has already chosen you”, Sibyl instructed as she handed a small stack of postcards to the person seated closest to her. And, so began one of the circle gatherings Sibyl led for the small group of woman who had joined with her for a magical week in San Miguel. We waited until each had a card lying face down on the table in front of us. Then, all together, we noticed that each of us had selected a different self-portrait by the Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo.

I held the image in which Frida’s face replaces that of a wounded deer standing alone in the middle of a forest clearing, its back and chest pierced with arrows dripping with blood. As I pondered its message for me that afternoon, the words that came were simply “wounded healer”. I sensed there would be more to come – and in the days and weeks since my return home – more has come, allowing the painting’s gift for me to grow gradually clearer.

I have learned about Frida—gaining an understanding about her work and the life that inspired her painting, as well as how she used her art to articulate her story while finding her own way forward. During an interview about the 2002 film entitled “Frida”, Salma Hayek (who portrayed Frida and also served as co-producer) explained the conscious choice to emphasize Frida’s inherent vitality within the story, in spite of the long-lasting pain and medical complications that often left her hospitalized or bedridden throughout her adult life.

It’s just now, as I’m writing this article that I have found the painting’s title: “Poor Little Deer”. I chuckle a bit at the irony: so often we respond to another’s pain and suffering with an exclamatory “Oh, you poor dear!” Our words are often reactively pity-filled, fueled with our own fears around “but for the grace of god, go I”.

I’m reminded of my mother’s tongue-in-cheek differentiation between someone being “bent” vs. “broken”. And, then, of a mentor’s gentle nudge as I once considered how to deal with a challenging colleague. Was I seeing her as broken and in need of fixing? What might change if, instead, I could view the other as creative, resourceful and already whole?

My learnings entice me to someday travel deeper into Jung’s world of archetypes and Nouwen’s subsequent writings about the wounded healer. Perhaps, there, I might also discover fresh ways forward during this next phase of my life and work.

Yet, for this moment, I will begin by choosing to acknowledge and embrace my own oft-bandaged wound as its own source of healing. Trusting that–without belaboring my own experience–I can lovingly listen and respond to another’s pain from within my own space of courageous wellbeing.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, January). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Embracing what chooses me. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

An Exercise In Choosing What I DO Want

Make a decision of what you want, give your attention there, find the feeling place of it — and you’re there instantly. There is no reason for you to suffer or struggle your way to or through anything.—Abraham [Excerpted from the workshop: Kansas City, MO on August 29, 1999]

When I initially woke up this morning, I noticed that my attention was centered on something I had already decided to not do today. I still felt good about the decision I had made. And yet, I was also aware of something inside keeping my attention on that thing. As if I somehow needed to justify the “not doing”.

While finishing my coffee, I recalled the above quote that had graced my early morning email.

I gently invited my attention to the activity I had chosen to undertake today, inviting a fresh sense of the “feeling place of it.”

I noticed first an inner sense of ease and gratitude. Followed by some unexpected openings along a path that also allowed the creation of this brief post.

Have YOU made a decision today (no matter how small it might be) about something you want? I’d love to hear about it – either in the comments (below) or in a private message.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Now Is The Time

Now is the time–
A promise needs to be kept.
A decision needs to be made.

An earlier dream morphed into current disappointments,
with new opportunity “gifts” that need to be weighed–
and there’s a heaviness on my heart.

May I be filled with Loving Kindness
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be whole.

A list of pros and cons is still…..merely a list…..
My presence matters,
amidst infinite choices of how and where to be present.

Yet, how do I choose–what’s to keep for myself,
and what’s to give away?
Is there a way to let my own light shine,
and allow another’s light to shine as well?

May you be filled with Loving Kindness
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be whole.

My CHOICE matters…..
It is for me to believe (and do) what I must.
How will I know?

Asking within —
where all is held;
sensing when heart space responds
to a simple “yes” and simple “no”.

Decision now clear, it’s time to follow through.
And welcome spirit’s unexpected gift.

May we be filled with Loving Kindness
May we be peaceful and at ease.
May we be whole.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Though you love to take care of others…..

Sometimes I find great Stresswell Snippets in the oddest places.

A recent reminder arrived courtesy of the daily horoscope column in my local newspaper.

Though you love to take care of others, do not do this to such an extent that they forget how to take care of themselves. They’ll only resent you for it later.

Hmmmm. Lovely words of wisdom.

And the potential benefits are endless – for both the caregiv-er AND the caregiv-ee.

What are YOUR experiences?

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

One Breath Bigger

Jennifer Louden recently addressed the idea of becoming “Skillfully Empathetic” – an especially challenging dilemma for those of us who are caregivers. We have huge hearts, and often expect that somehow we must be able to care for everyone else in the world.

In the piece, Jen offered some really insightful perspectives related to boundary-setting, discernment and self-care–as part of her 3 year-long experiment in “Savoring and Serving.”

In addition, Jen shared a wonderful exercise in creating “energy boundaries” from Hiroboga‘s How to Rule Your World:

Ground, center, and be aware of your breath as it flows into your nostrils, flows down into your belly, and flows out of your body again.

Notice how your whole body, including your skin, expands a little when you breathe in, and contracts a little when you breathe out.

Make this a conscious movement now. Expand slightly on the in-breath. Contract slightly on the out-breath.

Now feel your own energy body all around you. Sense into it and notice its quality, its texture, its temperature, weight, density. Is it denser or more diffuse than the air around you?

Feel the boundary of your energy body, like a second skin, all around you—about three to four feet beyond your physical skin.

Scan it, to see if there are areas that feel more or less tangible to you. Are there areas that are so diffuse you can’t feel them at all? Others that are more dense or solid?

As you breathe in and out, let your whole energy field, including the skin of your boundary, expand and contract. Expand with the in-breath. Contract with the out-breath.

Make this a conscious, pumping movement. Flex and extend your energy body the same way that you expand and contract your physical body when you breathe in and out.

Notice if you can now sense the boundary of your energy body more clearly.

Now expand your energy body out further, until it fills the whole room that you’re in. Take your boundary right out to the four walls, the ceiling and the floor of your room.

Stay grounded and centered. If you moved out of center bring yourself back. Center your awareness first in your spine, then in the center of your head, and extend out from there throughout your whole body and into your energy field all around you.

Notice how you feel when your energy field is as big as the whole room.

Release any discomfort or tension down your grounding, and ask the earth to please transform it.

Now bring your energy field in, drawing it gradually closer to you until it is just an inch or two beyond your skin. Continue to breathe naturally, and let your boundary expand slightly with each in-breath and contract slightly with each out-breath.

Even though your field is so close to your body, it is still fluid and flexible.

Notice how this feels.

Then let your energy field expand again until it’s at a distance that feels comfortable and natural for you. Notice what that is for you right now.

As I read through and experienced this luscious exercise (thanks to both Jen and Hiroboga for making this available!), I was intrigued by how beautifully it might nurture the concept of “Self-In-Presence” that I teach as part of Focused Self Care. That is, perhaps becoming more skillful at sensing our boundaries at an energy-based level of body-mind-spirit-oriented knowing would also help us better respond to whatever challenges life brings our way.

For example, I often teach that we need only become “one breath bigger” than our biggest fear to become “Self-in Presence.” Now, with this lovely exercise, once we can become clearer about sensing, recognizing and even shifting ALL of our boundaries – whether it’s our “skin envelope”, our energy body or our energy field – it should be easier for us to become that one breath larger than our most anxious or fearful part.