Finding Meaning

A taste of “something” inside….

Original photo by www.picjumbo.com — Photo by www.picjumbo.com

I had just begun to describe the general topic of an article I was in the midst of writing. Part way through that description, I uttered two seemingly innocent words: “it’s that…” before turning toward another part of my story. Yet, a moment later, I paused to turn back to that space surrounding those two words. For I had recognized I was just beginning to sense “something….like I was ‘tasting’ right where I wanted to be with the [topic]….It was right there, and yet it wasn’t quite there.”

Because of Focusing, I knew exactly what my next step would be–to take a moment to pause to be with that “taste of something” inside–trusting that some fresh new way of knowing and becoming could come from that inner place.

Sure enough, within the next few moments, more understanding began to emerge, mixed with sense memories and current sensory experiencing, before blossoming into a fresh relating with a familiar analogy.

Before learning about Focusing, I often struggled for months–even years–to find my way forward through that creative, life-forwarding space. Until August, 2008, when I attended the Focusing Institute Summer School, where I began to learn the language of Focusing and its practice.

By the end of that magical week, I suddenly felt as though I had come home–both to myself and within this wonderful community of Focusers. I left Summer School knowing that Focusing had already become an integral part of both my life and my work. Since then, I’ve found my way back to Summer School nearly every year–for a special, week-long immersion of learning.

In the following [10 min] video, my mentor, Ann Weiser Cornell, speaks a bit about the basics of Focusing that she’ll be teaching at the Summer School.

I’ve already registered for this year’s Focusing Institute Summer School, which is being held in Joshua Tree, California from August 21-27.

I’d love to meet you there! And, the good folks at the Focusing Institute have made it possible for you to receive a special “friend discount” when you register–simply by including my name [Mary Elaine Kiener] as instructed in the “choose friend discount” section.

Who knows, maybe you’ll find your way “back home to yourself” like I did my first time at FISS!

by mary elaine kiener 8 Comments

A Relationship with Food

I used to think I was a foodie–that is, until I met Blue, my newly adopted dog. He seems totally motivated by food, which makes it easy to nurture our relationship with lots of treats to reward his good behavior. Meanwhile, I’ve been noticing a fresh invitation inside to bring a “healthy yes” to my own relationship with food.

As I “sit with” all this, I first become aware of places inside me that want to stretch and be stretched. Ah, yes – it feels as though it’s not “just” my muscles, but also my whole relationship with food that is wanting to stretch.

It’s intriguing. While I often learn by how things are similar, I sense that the differences between how Blue and I regard food will influence this discovery process. As much as I LOVE food, I’m neither motivated FOR it nor BY it. Yet, there’s something about my relationship WITH it that is wanting to grow and change. For example, I have a “pattern” of going out of my way to get food “on the go” [usually less healthy and often unsatisfying] when I may already have food here at home that’s available, and perhaps even prepared.

With a recently made simple change – to consciously choose a meal from food that is already available at home – I also notice a shift in Blue’s and my relationship. Now, whenever I prepare food, he’s right there next to me, looking for treats. So, no matter what raw fruit or veggie I’m cutting up [that’s safe for him to eat], I offer him some. He loves his healthy treats. And our relationship bond continues to strengthen.

I begin to sense inside a mere whisper of something that feels like tears–as if I’m letting go of something from the past. Ah, a budding realization that part of my relationship with food has served as a substitute for whatever nourishing relationships that weren’t happening for me as a child. As I dip more deeply inside, allowing time to speak those words aloud, I also feel a physical, constricted tightening around the outside of my throat being met by yearning, yawning stretches from the inside.

Remembering the smoothie I had for breakfast, I also notice a kind of spacious feeling inside. Simultaneously, my body-mind begins to differentiate between sensations of “empty”, “spacious”, “full”….and something else…..Ah, there’s a wanting to “stay full” because it’s afraid of “being empty”. The word “enough” bubbles to the surface, tinged with worry. As I remember that I always seem to “have” enough, it seems this sense of worry is really about not “being” enough!

I feel a bit like the Sankofa bird—that moves forward as it looks backward holding an egg in its mouth. With a grateful smile, I realize this life-giving forward energy involves food!

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, April). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: A relationship with food. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener 2 Comments

Embracing What Chooses Me

“Pause–and then, without looking, select the one that has already chosen you”, Sibyl instructed as she handed a small stack of postcards to the person seated closest to her. And, so began one of the circle gatherings Sibyl led for the small group of woman who had joined with her for a magical week in San Miguel. We waited until each had a card lying face down on the table in front of us. Then, all together, we noticed that each of us had selected a different self-portrait by the Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo.

I held the image in which Frida’s face replaces that of a wounded deer standing alone in the middle of a forest clearing, its back and chest pierced with arrows dripping with blood. As I pondered its message for me that afternoon, the words that came were simply “wounded healer”. I sensed there would be more to come – and in the days and weeks since my return home – more has come, allowing the painting’s gift for me to grow gradually clearer.

I have learned about Frida—gaining an understanding about her work and the life that inspired her painting, as well as how she used her art to articulate her story while finding her own way forward. During an interview about the 2002 film entitled “Frida”, Salma Hayek (who portrayed Frida and also served as co-producer) explained the conscious choice to emphasize Frida’s inherent vitality within the story, in spite of the long-lasting pain and medical complications that often left her hospitalized or bedridden throughout her adult life.

It’s just now, as I’m writing this article that I have found the painting’s title: “Poor Little Deer”. I chuckle a bit at the irony: so often we respond to another’s pain and suffering with an exclamatory “Oh, you poor dear!” Our words are often reactively pity-filled, fueled with our own fears around “but for the grace of god, go I”.

I’m reminded of my mother’s tongue-in-cheek differentiation between someone being “bent” vs. “broken”. And, then, of a mentor’s gentle nudge as I once considered how to deal with a challenging colleague. Was I seeing her as broken and in need of fixing? What might change if, instead, I could view the other as creative, resourceful and already whole?

My learnings entice me to someday travel deeper into Jung’s world of archetypes and Nouwen’s subsequent writings about the wounded healer. Perhaps, there, I might also discover fresh ways forward during this next phase of my life and work.

Yet, for this moment, I will begin by choosing to acknowledge and embrace my own oft-bandaged wound as its own source of healing. Trusting that–without belaboring my own experience–I can lovingly listen and respond to another’s pain from within my own space of courageous wellbeing.

* Originally published as => Kiener, M.E. (2016, January). Choosing Courageous Wellbeing: Embracing what chooses me. Sibyl Magazine. For the Spirit and Soul of Woman. Retrieved from www.sibylmagazine.com.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

I happened to see a stunningly beautiful short video this evening while taking a break from the day’s tasks.

Wanting to share it with a friend, I searched online and found the video included as part of a TEDx talk from last year. It was so lovely to learn a bit more about Louie Schwartzberg, the film’s creator that it made sense to share both his introduction and the video itself [the entire clip is just under 10 minutes long].

Louie Schwartzberg is an award-winning cinematographer, director and producer who captures breathtaking images that celebrate life — revealing connections, universal rhythms, patterns and beauty.

by mary elaine kiener 2 Comments

Safe Home, Tom

Saying good-bye to Tom Pigott was NOT on my agenda for today.*

Then again, I’ll readily admit that hearing news that someone I care about has died is not something I would easily put on my “to-do” list for ANY day of the week.

For as Mary Oliver writes in her poem, The Summer Day:

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

I met Tom in June, 2010 while I was on a tour of Ireland that was directed by Tom’s company, and hosted by my friend (and colleague/mentor) Brian Luke Seaward. It was indeed an enchanted (and enchanting) trip for me – and for a lot of reasons.

And, meeting Tom–this bigger-than-life, huge-hearted teddy-bear of a guy with a lovely voice to boot–was an unexpected bonus. Our paths had crossed at a time–and in a way–that magically captured a piece of my heart. In this You-Tube clip, you can get a taste of Tom–the tour guide, story-teller and singer.

Tom sure seemed to have figured out what to do with his “one wild and precious life.” He had a profound love for his native Ireland, an unbounded pride in being Irish and a special gift for sharing Ireland’s music, language and stories.

And, perhaps even more importantly, he was able to reach the end of his life in the same way he lived it. I’m told that he died of a heart attack while participating in an Irish Music cruise in the Caribbean. A Facebook update reported that:

He was feeling good and laughing with all of us just minutes before he passed. We were listening to an Irish session which was what he loved and enjoyed.

Earlier this evening, a number of us who had participated in the Summer Soul-stice Riff Raff Tour of 2010 gathered virtually under our respective view of the moon–each in our own way to offer Tom our wishes for safe passage, love, and peace on this new phase of his journey.

For many of us, those moments included a song that had bound us together throughout the trip and afterwards, entitled Safe Home by Johnsmith.

The lyrics seem especially appropriate for the occasion, especially the chorus:

Safe Home, Safe Home, Safe Home will you go

May the light of the moon smile down on your road

Safe Home, Safe Home, Safe Home will you go

Until I next see you, safe home will you go

Rest in peace, my friend!

* First published 5 February, 2012.