Communicating

Alone Together – United in Our Uniquity

Alone Together – United in Our Uniquity *

As I create a space inside for listening to you,
I begin to listen to myself in a different way.

As I relax into becoming your companion listener,
I learn to trust my own unfolding journey.

As I witness and honor your gentle unfolding,
I gain compassion for my own wounded parts.

As I better understand the uniquities of your anxious, fearful “not-wantings”,
I discover how to to be with those that dwell deep within me.

Alone together,
We glimpse the unity of our mutual wantings,
Together alone.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

ASK ME

Early one morning in the fall of 2006, I found a computer-printed envelope addressed to ASK ME House just inside my front door. Inside was one printed page, which included the following:

An ASK ME poem for the ASK ME House. I came across this poem in a book and thought you might like to see it since your house shares its title. I hope you enjoy it and/or find it meaningful.

Ask Me by William Stafford

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

To: ASK ME House (1027 Seymour)
Fr: Anonymous (at least for now)
On this 27^th of October, 2006

Several years later, I still have not learned the identity of the person who left me this precious gift–the first in a series of annual “love notes” to the house that have been arriving every October 27. [It took me a couple of years to actually note the connection between October 27 and the house’s street address of “1027”. And, it wasn’t until 2009 that there was any personal reference to me by name–where previously the sender had also noted that s/he “didn’t even know who lived in the house.”]

Each annual packet of goodies has included some reference to “ASK ME” – and yet I remain most intrigued by how accurate a glimpse the poem offers into the overall philosophy and foundations of what “ASK ME House” is truly all about……

I am filled daily with peace through this gentle reminder of the process by which I choose to live, with gratitude for having discovered the work of William Stafford, and with awe for the enigma of how the introduction took place.

Now–if I could just solve the mystery of who “Anonymous” is….!

by mary elaine kiener 3 Comments

Elaine Kiener – My mother, my friend

[printable PDF]

There’ve been times in life
when I’d felt like a mother-less child,
adrift at sea
with no land in sight.

But those were different long-ago times
When neither she nor I
knew how to be–
one with the other.

Then through the past two decades,
travelling simple journeys together,
mother and daughter learned to also become friends.
Content to simply be with each other–
watching and waiting–with neither judgment nor expectation
nor even need at time for words of any kind.

Yet now in this moment -barely a single day
since the mom has died,
I, her daughter, greet this new day
on the threshold of the rest of my life.

Never again to sit together,
nor again to see her look of pure delight and happiness
as she’d open her eyes to see me there with her.
No one last “Tussie Mussie” bouquet
lovingly carried from my home to hers,
Nor bowl of fresh-picked raspberries
For her to lovingly devour.
And no more tales of days gone by,
sharing both laughter and the tears
of being two strong women –
the only mother and sister
to three long-grown men.

With memories of that mysterious, witnessed moment
once on a day she didn’t die,
alongside other breathless, panicked moments
when she’d feared she’d die afraid/alone—
knowing now she’s found her peace at last.

And while I’m no longer by her side,
Content and grateful just to know
she’s resting there deep within my heart
Even as I proudly carry forever
HER name within my own.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Walking the Talk When Our Going Gets Rough

You’ve just encountered a moment from hell. You were going along fine, when suddenly life tripped you up. It might have been a hurtful email from someone you thought was a friend. Perhaps you lost a longtime customer or client to a business colleague whose motives you now question. Or someone else questioned your own actions or motives.

Your first (and hopefully, brief) reaction to any of the above situations might be one of shock, with a pinch of anger or hurt (perhaps both!): “How could he do that?”, “What’s wrong with her?”, or “Why me?”

Now what?

If you were to act from within this stress-filled mindset, chances are you would end up making the situation worse. The more you stay focused on the negatives or on assigning blame, the more your actions and communication will then focus toward you becoming the winner and the other person the loser. Then, your brief moment in hell expands to a day, or longer.

It’s easy to talk our talk. And, it might even be easy to walk the talk when the going is smooth. But what happens when the going gets rough? Are there some strategies that can help us not only better understand our talk, but also make the walking easier?

Expand our awareness

When we are under duress, our perceptions often become narrowly focused on our own survival. This is natural (our brains are actually hard-wired that way), and is especially important in matters of life and death. However, the more we allow an adrenaline-fueled mindset to direct our thoughts and our actions, we become less aware of ourselves and less willing to explore alternative behaviors.

One way to expand our awareness is through the use of the Johari Window (1), a communication model initially developed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. Using the analogy of a quarterpane window, each pane of the window describes 1 of 4 different levels of self-awareness:

1.   Open Area: Things I and others know about me
2.   Blind Spot: Things I don’t know, but others do know about me
3.   Hidden Area: Things I know, but others don’t know about me
4.   Unknown: Things that neither I nor others know about me

In a close-minded person, the “open area” quadrant is often rather constricted, with tightly held boundaries. Through the careful give-and-take of self-disclosure and requesting feedback , it is possible to enlarge one’s open area, which then serves to decrease the size and influence of one or more of the other three areas. As a person gains self-knowledge and self-esteem, this process also promotes the development of transparency and trust within his relationships with co-workers, family and friends.

Choose your response

With the Choice Map (2), Dr. Marilee Goldberg Adams offers a useful option. Instead of reacting from within our “Judger Self”, she invites us to respond from within our “Learner Self.” This approach allows us to make thoughtful choices that are solution-focused and provide for win-win relationships.

Talk less, listen more

Within this model, questions such as “Whose fault is it?” or “How can I prove I’m right?” shift to questions such as “What do I want?”, “What can I learn?” and “What’s the best thing to do?” As a person’s reactive, inflexible and judgmental mindset becomes more thoughtful, flexible and accepting, her mood transitions from pessimism, stress and limitations to optimism, hope and possibilities. Over time, relationships are able to grow and flourish within an atmosphere of respect and trust.

Becoming the change

Gandhi is well known for his admonition: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I have adopted it as a cornerstone for both my business’ philosophy and how I choose to live my life.

Every day seems to gift me another unanticipated challenge to learn how to walk my talk–which is certainly easier said than done.

It helps if I can see each challenge as a well-timed opportunity rather than as a distressing burden. It also helps to know that this is a learned skill, especially given our physiological tendency to self-protect when under stress.

Through the use of learning-oriented questions to increase both my levels of self-awareness and understanding of others, I can practice acting in harmony with my deepest values and beliefs.

**************************************

Footnotes:

For an interactive Johari Window exercise, go to: http://kevan.org/johari.cgi
Adapted from Goldberg, M. (1998). The Art of the Question. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

[printable-PDF-version]

You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

ASK ME House article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at: http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Costs of a Lesson Learned

Some days bring us costly lessons. Some lessons simply cost us money.

Today’s lesson came in the form of my monthly telephone bill. As I briefly scanned the bill, I felt (and then heard) the sudden gasp escape from my throat: the amount due was TRIPLE its usual cost!

As I looked further, I discovered that the additional charges stemmed from a business call I had placed last month to the Bahamas. My colleague and I had experienced several delays in making scheduled appointments–due in part to interruptions in her internet-based telephone service, plus we had dismissed her cell phone option as too cost-prohibitive. So, when she gave me a new land-line number to use, I didn’t even think twice. I made the call and we had a productive 60-minute conversation. What I didn’t know at the time was that the call was being billed at my phone company’s “primetime overseas rate.”

Yikes! But also, DUH! I’m so spoiled with my unlimited long distance service plan that I didn’t stop to think that it only covers the US. Plus her phone number “looks” like a regular US number (that is, it doesn’t have any international code prefix to the number).

Once upon a time, I probably would have reacted with anger, frustration and tears, punctuated with feelings of blame and self-loathing for having made such a “stupid” and costly mistake. I might have then railed against the telephone company for what I believed to be exorbitant rates, and/or harbored a lingering, unspoken sense of bitterness toward my colleague for not having “protected” me from my ignorance.

Instead, this morning, I chose to take a deep breath and quietly pay the bill. And, without shame or blame, acknowledged my simple (albeit costly) error in judgment, that was based merely on my not knowing that which I didn’t already know. And then pondered some lessons to be learned from my experience–to help me and others not make a similar mistake in the future.

There are days in life in which we learn costly lessons. And some days in which our lessons simply cost us money.

Learning how to avoid the first type altogether while also minimizing the second is perhaps one of our most important lessons in life.