Stresswell

Walking the Talk When Our Going Gets Rough

You’ve just encountered a moment from hell. You were going along fine, when suddenly life tripped you up. It might have been a hurtful email from someone you thought was a friend. Perhaps you lost a longtime customer or client to a business colleague whose motives you now question. Or someone else questioned your own actions or motives.

Your first (and hopefully, brief) reaction to any of the above situations might be one of shock, with a pinch of anger or hurt (perhaps both!): “How could he do that?”, “What’s wrong with her?”, or “Why me?”

Now what?

If you were to act from within this stress-filled mindset, chances are you would end up making the situation worse. The more you stay focused on the negatives or on assigning blame, the more your actions and communication will then focus toward you becoming the winner and the other person the loser. Then, your brief moment in hell expands to a day, or longer.

It’s easy to talk our talk. And, it might even be easy to walk the talk when the going is smooth. But what happens when the going gets rough? Are there some strategies that can help us not only better understand our talk, but also make the walking easier?

Expand our awareness

When we are under duress, our perceptions often become narrowly focused on our own survival. This is natural (our brains are actually hard-wired that way), and is especially important in matters of life and death. However, the more we allow an adrenaline-fueled mindset to direct our thoughts and our actions, we become less aware of ourselves and less willing to explore alternative behaviors.

One way to expand our awareness is through the use of the Johari Window (1), a communication model initially developed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. Using the analogy of a quarterpane window, each pane of the window describes 1 of 4 different levels of self-awareness:

1.   Open Area: Things I and others know about me
2.   Blind Spot: Things I don’t know, but others do know about me
3.   Hidden Area: Things I know, but others don’t know about me
4.   Unknown: Things that neither I nor others know about me

In a close-minded person, the “open area” quadrant is often rather constricted, with tightly held boundaries. Through the careful give-and-take of self-disclosure and requesting feedback , it is possible to enlarge one’s open area, which then serves to decrease the size and influence of one or more of the other three areas. As a person gains self-knowledge and self-esteem, this process also promotes the development of transparency and trust within his relationships with co-workers, family and friends.

Choose your response

With the Choice Map (2), Dr. Marilee Goldberg Adams offers a useful option. Instead of reacting from within our “Judger Self”, she invites us to respond from within our “Learner Self.” This approach allows us to make thoughtful choices that are solution-focused and provide for win-win relationships.

Talk less, listen more

Within this model, questions such as “Whose fault is it?” or “How can I prove I’m right?” shift to questions such as “What do I want?”, “What can I learn?” and “What’s the best thing to do?” As a person’s reactive, inflexible and judgmental mindset becomes more thoughtful, flexible and accepting, her mood transitions from pessimism, stress and limitations to optimism, hope and possibilities. Over time, relationships are able to grow and flourish within an atmosphere of respect and trust.

Becoming the change

Gandhi is well known for his admonition: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I have adopted it as a cornerstone for both my business’ philosophy and how I choose to live my life.

Every day seems to gift me another unanticipated challenge to learn how to walk my talk–which is certainly easier said than done.

It helps if I can see each challenge as a well-timed opportunity rather than as a distressing burden. It also helps to know that this is a learned skill, especially given our physiological tendency to self-protect when under stress.

Through the use of learning-oriented questions to increase both my levels of self-awareness and understanding of others, I can practice acting in harmony with my deepest values and beliefs.

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Footnotes:

For an interactive Johari Window exercise, go to: http://kevan.org/johari.cgi
Adapted from Goldberg, M. (1998). The Art of the Question. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

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You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

ASK ME House article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at: http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

by mary elaine kiener 4 Comments

How to Keep Deadline Paralysis From Claiming Another Victim

You’re working on a project that has a looming deadline. You started with lots of enthusiasm. You made some progress, but then crunch time arrives. You find yourself swirling amidst a torrent of conflicting ideas as your forward motion comes to a stop. Your mind goes numb. You can’t breathe. And the clock keeps ticking, louder and louder.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

Conventional wisdom would have you believe that better time management skills could provide a simple cure to deadline paralysis. Maybe that’s too simplistic a view.

Projects (especially those with deadlines) do include a time variable. But they also include another variable: energy. And successful energy management skills are just as important to your productivity as time management skills.

So what’s a body to do?

Here’s one way to think about it. You’re canoeing downstream, with plans to meet with friends at a designated place and time. Suddenly, you see yourself approaching a logjam that interferes with the river’s downward flow. As the water meets the logjam, pressure begins to build up, resulting in a more turbulent flow of water. You recall hearing about other canoeists who have been injured and even drowned in this part of the river.

No doubt you’re wondering (and worrying!) whether or not you’ll ever reach your destination. And whether or not you’ll get there on time. But, I’ll bet that you also might be considering whether you’ll still be in one piece when (or, even if) you finally get there.

How many logs make a jam?

First, take a breath and simply notice the logjam that blocks your progress. Recognize it. Acknowledge it. No need to sugar coat it, but don’t run away from it, either. No blame, no shame. Just, “hmmm, isn’t this interesting.”

Back up (and gain some perspective).

Second, refocus your attention. Take a moment to double-check that you are in a fairly “safe” place along the river. (We don’t want you capsizing in that whirlpool right up against the logjam, after all!)

Now, pull back on your focus a bit until you can see both your destination and the logjam that currently blocks your progress. Check in with your breathing and your body for signals that you might need to alter your plans as you respond to the following questions:

What is your ultimate goal?

What do you really want to accomplish?

What are you responsible for, and to whom?

Given your projected timeline and current energy levels, is your original goal still desirable and feasible?

Can you renegotiate the project outcomes and/or deadlines?

As you resolve these questions, listen for your heart and mind to give you the “all clear” signal to move ahead.

Getting from here to there

Third, invite your creative side to come out and play. It’s a time when you can explore (from both a time and energy perspective) your options for moving forward. You might remember something that worked well in a previous experience. Or you can discover new ways of thinking and learning about the current situation.

Using the example of a logjam, you have several productive alternatives:

Use a snag boat. This is a special type of steam boat that literally breaks through the log jam and then lifts the logs into the boat where they can be chopped into smaller pieces. Try chopping your project down into small, doable pieces.
Raise the water level in the river. An increased supply of water can provide enough momentum to float the logjam loose. Take each of those small steps you just identified, one at a time, and you will soon find your way clear and your energy and momentum restored. It’s the increased flow of activity and energy that can make the difference.
Find a different route. Energy will always seek a path of least resistance. That is, the easiest route. It may sometimes mean lifting the canoe out of the water to portage downstream along the bank, past the logjam, before resuming your downstream journey.
- Is there an easier (or less-labor intensive) way to get your project done?
- Is there anyone who can help with some of those bits and pieces you identified earlier?
Find and remove the key log. Often, there is a single log that holds the logjam together. It’s also sometimes called the kingpin. Once you identify and remove that specific log, the blockage disappears and the entire logjam falls apart. In your case, the key log might be a limiting belief that blocks your way forward, such as “it has to be perfect.” Granting yourself permission for “good enough” instead of “perfect” might be all you need to resume your progress at full speed.

From “what now?” to “now, what?”

Logjams are a normal part of life on the river. Getting past them can sometimes leave you behind schedule as well as drained of energy and enthusiasm.

Getting back into perspective within your body, mind and spirit can help you to clarify your overall goal in light of your present situation. This clarity then offers a path of least resistance in which your creative energy can again flow forward. As a result, your downstream journey can be much more rewarding than if you had blindly reacted to your initial panic and fear when faced with the logjam. And you’ll successfully finish your project with time and energy to spare.

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You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

“ASK ME House, LLC article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

by mary elaine kiener Leave a Comment

Costs of a Lesson Learned

Some days bring us costly lessons. Some lessons simply cost us money.

Today’s lesson came in the form of my monthly telephone bill. As I briefly scanned the bill, I felt (and then heard) the sudden gasp escape from my throat: the amount due was TRIPLE its usual cost!

As I looked further, I discovered that the additional charges stemmed from a business call I had placed last month to the Bahamas. My colleague and I had experienced several delays in making scheduled appointments–due in part to interruptions in her internet-based telephone service, plus we had dismissed her cell phone option as too cost-prohibitive. So, when she gave me a new land-line number to use, I didn’t even think twice. I made the call and we had a productive 60-minute conversation. What I didn’t know at the time was that the call was being billed at my phone company’s “primetime overseas rate.”

Yikes! But also, DUH! I’m so spoiled with my unlimited long distance service plan that I didn’t stop to think that it only covers the US. Plus her phone number “looks” like a regular US number (that is, it doesn’t have any international code prefix to the number).

Once upon a time, I probably would have reacted with anger, frustration and tears, punctuated with feelings of blame and self-loathing for having made such a “stupid” and costly mistake. I might have then railed against the telephone company for what I believed to be exorbitant rates, and/or harbored a lingering, unspoken sense of bitterness toward my colleague for not having “protected” me from my ignorance.

Instead, this morning, I chose to take a deep breath and quietly pay the bill. And, without shame or blame, acknowledged my simple (albeit costly) error in judgment, that was based merely on my not knowing that which I didn’t already know. And then pondered some lessons to be learned from my experience–to help me and others not make a similar mistake in the future.

There are days in life in which we learn costly lessons. And some days in which our lessons simply cost us money.

Learning how to avoid the first type altogether while also minimizing the second is perhaps one of our most important lessons in life.

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The meaning of “home”…..

I’m heading back home tomorrow. It’s Wednesday, January 2 and I’ve been here in Cleveland with my mom since Sunday evening, November 25–having been called back at that time after only 2 days back at home in Lansing. And in all of October and November, I had spent less than 30 days at home.

Much of that time (except for several business and family-related trips sandwiched in between), I was again with mom–coordinating the move to her new home within the retirement community in which she’s lived for the past 8 years: from her 3-room apartment on and independent-living floor to one room on the assisted living floor. Following a fall (and a broken hip) last May, Mom had spent the summer and fall shuttling back and forth between rehab/skilled care, respite and the hospital. All in all, about 6 transfers within a 5 month period.

So it wasn’t surprising to have her wonder aloud at one point in August: “When do I go HOME?” Of course, the question became even more poignant as I invited her to clarify what she had meant by “home.” Had she meant her 3 bedroom apartment (which I had begun to realize no longer held her “aura”–although it still contained her furniture and belongings)? Was it the family home on Edison Road–where she had lived with Dad for most her marriage and raised her family? Or did she mean she was ready to die (to go be with Dad, who died nearly 20 years ago)? At that moment, she wasn’t able to offer a distinct answer to my question–except that she found herself getting confused when she tried to picture and/or remember where various mementos, furnishings and other belongings were currently located. However, she also added that “no, I don’t think I mean that [i.e., going to be with Dad].

In light of her responses, I found her description of dream she had had of my dad the night after our conversation to be particularly fascinating. She reported that Dad had appeared wearing a long white robe (like a priest’s alb) and that they sat together on a park bench talking for a long time. Then, suddenly, Dad moved quickly away from her–as if he were in a hurry.

November 8–her 93rd birthday was also the day we moved her into her new 1-room home, having accomplished the physical consolidation and move of her furnishings and belongings the week before. I had been intrigued that her new room–filled with her most meaningful things and decorated with a wealth of photos that summarize her family life–already contained her spirit, even though she had not yet set foot inside the door.

Throughout the months of November and December, I suspect that she has struggled (in her spirit) with her own sense of home. Caught between the losses inherent in the downsizing process and the stability offered by our promise that she would not need to fear another transfer, I expect that she’s needed to decide on at least one level whether she has “enough” to continue on. Is there enough to make her life meaningful and purposeful?

My month with Mom was fascinating and inspiring, to say the least. I was privileged to serve as witness as she apparently made the decision that she could and would salvage what’s left of her life to keep on.

And now, as I prepare to return home, I find myself exploring what “home” means to me. My friends have assured me that my aura remains strong in the dwelling that I’ve called home for 18 years. I’ll be spending some time however, inviting a sense of curiosity about the sense and concept of home.

I’d love to hear what it means to you.

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The end of a “month with mom”

December, 2007. MOM. What a month it’s been. Anticipating that we’d be burying my mom sometime this past month, I decided to spend the month of December living in Cleveland so that I could be with her. Although she really doesn’t remember much about the experience, we’ve all witnessed a miracle–as she’s made a comeback from her near-death journey.

Was it stressful? Well, in a way, yes. Actually, I’d prefer to view it as a time filled with ripe opportunities to be present in the moment. Moments where time often compressed or expanded in the blink of an eye. A month of rich experiences, thoughts, feelings, insights, new relationships, healing within lifelong relationships, finding meaning, and all those things that make life worthwhile.

And the icing on the cake? Or the ribbon on my Christmas-time present? The fact that mom is still with us–with all her glorious one-liner-laced, common-sense, steadfast approach to life.