First Steps – to an Open Heart

July 25, 2011 By 2 Comments

first-steps - photoPicture this classic scene:  Two women sitting on the grass a couple of feet apart, facing each other.  One with her arms and hands outstretched to the 12-month-old(-ish) little boy who’s standing between the two of them.  The 2nd woman–almost like a puppeteer–provides a pair of outstretched fingers for his hands to grasp above his head to help him stay steady on his feet as he ponders taking tentative first steps toward the 1st woman.  Both woman offer a stream of encouraging and cajoling words.

That’s the scene I encountered while out on my morning walk through the neighborhood.

At that moment, I paused on the sidewalk, to offer respectful, wonder-filled, silent witness to the magical moment of “first steps” that seemed primed to occur.  As I stopped, the little boy turned toward me, with his feet still tentatively moving forward.  The women invited me into their space and shared moment by inviting him, “Oh, you want to go to her…..Go to her.”

So I turned, stepping from the sidewalk onto the grass with my own outstretched fingers as an invitation for him to consider.

And, much to all our surprise, he took a couple of determined steps forward to grab onto my fingers and stand triumpant while each of us cheered his accomplishment.

I stifled the urge to pick him up and snuggle him with grateful, loving kisses – and instead, turned him back to return him to the 1st woman.

In the meantime, I heard both women marvel at his apparent comfort in coming right to me.  As the 1st woman exclaimed, “He don’t LIKE people!” the three of us shared a knowing, between-us-women kind of chuckle.

A brief moment of wonder – concluded as quickly as it had begun.

I quietly turned to resume my walk — with a noticeably lighter step — as I began to ponder about those invisible, yet real, energetic qualities that others experience in our presence.

Something inside me seems to recognize and/or connect with something inside the other that says it’s safe (or not)–and vice versa.

Of course, it can become more complicated than that in real life.  For example, con artists take advantage of this connection to then take advantage of us.  Likewise, our own neediness can sometimes blind us to what’s unsafe in the other or the situation in which we find ourselves.

Learning to nurture an open, yet discerning heart space is one of the fundamental skills I teach in Focused Self-Care.

I’ll also be addressing this topic in my upcoming free teleclass:  Resolved to Change:  Align Head and Heart.  I’d love to have you join us!

In the meantime, I’d love to hear your comments and feedback!

 

Filed Under: Communicating, Feeling, Focused Self-Care, Moving, Sensing

One Breath Bigger

February 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Jennifer Louden recently addressed the idea of becoming “Skillfully Empathetic” – an especially challenging dilemma for those of us who are caregivers.    We have huge hearts, and often expect that somehow we must be able to care for everyone else in the world.

In the piece, Jen offered some really insightful perspectives related to boundary-setting, discernment and self-care–as part of her year-long experiment in “Savoring and Serving.” 

In addition, she shared a wonderful  exercise in creating “energy boundaries” from Hiroboga‘s How to Rule Your World. 

As I read through and experienced this luscious exercise (thanks to both of you – Jen and Hiroboga for making this available!), I was intrigued by how beautifully it might nurture the concept of “Self-In-Presence” that I teach as part of  Inner Relationship Focusing.   That is, perhaps becoming more skillful at sensing our boundaries at an energy-based level of  body-mind-spirit-oriented knowing would also help us better respond to whatever challenges life brings our way. 

For example, I often teach that we need only become “one breath larger” than our biggest fear to become “Self-in Presence.”  Now, with this lovely exercise,  once we can  become clearer about sensing, recognizing and even shifting ALL of our boundaries – whether it’s our “skin envelope”, our energy body or our energy field – it should be easier for us to become that one breath larger than our most anxious or fearful part.

I invite you to check out both Jen’s article and Hiroboga’s exercise at the end of the article.  Then, stop back here and let me know what you think, ok?

Filed Under: Breathing, Finding Meaning, Focused Self-Care, Moving, Self Responsibility/Love, Sensing, Uncategorized

Resolved to Change – Aligning Your Head and Your Heart

May 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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How often have you found yourself saying:   “I need to change”?   It doesn’t matter whether the change involves eating right, exercising more, earning more money, etc. 

Our hearts tell us that we really want our lives to work better.  We start out—time after time, resolved to “do better” this time around. 

At first, all goes well. At least until our head joins in, apparently determined to keep us from changing.   The repertoire of critical voices inside our head often includes “My life isn’t right,” “I know I’m the problem”  and/or “I’m always standing in my own way.”

Then, the tug of war begins in earnest.  The longing of the heart battles the worried, critical voices of the head–each side bound and determined to get its own way.

Our response at this point, tends to include one (or even both) of the following:

  • We concentrate our efforts on what we DO want.  We’ll set intentions, create a dream board, recite affirmations.   But the Law of Attraction can go only so far.  Even the most carefully designed plan is still bound to meet some resistance along the way.
  • Attempting a logical response, we then try to understand the part inside that doesn’t want to change.  We attempt to reason with the critical part, or even defend against the voices that tell us we’re doomed to fail even before we start.  Unfortunately, all we get from all this effort is lots of inner judgment, blame and shame.

My mentor,  Ann Weiser Cornell likes to say,  “What we don’t realize is that the very way we are speaking about the problem is standing in the way of solving it…..That saying ‘how can I get myself to change?’ is sort of like trying to move a rug while standing on it!”

What might happen if, for a moment, we started with the source of the unease we’re feeling–the part that doesn’t want to change?   A great start would be to shift that initial statement to something like this:  “I want to change, but I don’t.”  [Or “I want (or need) to eat better, exercise more, earn more money, etc.”]  This at least recognizes that there are two sides to the issue. 

Notice, for a moment, how it feels to express it this way :  “I want to ____, but I don’t.”   Better, perhaps, yet it still sounds a bit judgmental doesn’t it?  It’s so easy for us to dip back up into our head, with its critical perspective.

Now, let’s see what might happen if we add just one little word:  “something.”  As in, “Something in me wants to change and something doesn’t.”  Ah, so there are two parts–a part that wants to and a part that doesn’t want to.   Now there’s even more space around that stuck place inside.  It’s not “just” me – it’s not who I am.    

Taking that even one step further, we might say:  “I’m sensing something in me that’s feeling frustrated and yearning for change.  It sees another part of me as the problem, and is trying to get it to change.”

Can you feel how that adds even more space?  And maybe even room for a little curiosity to bubble through–especially about that second part that doesn’t want to change.

Now we’re acknowledging that the not-wanting part might be as valid as the part that does want to change.  After all, it probably has its own very good reason for being the way that it is.  We don’t have to become best buddies with it.   However, we can at least respectfully allow it to speak, be heard and understood.  

And then–instead of seeing the not-wanting as an enemy to be eliminated–perhaps we could see it instead as a gift of life-forward energy just waiting for us to quietly and curiously unwrap it?  Could there really be a fragile space of wanting hidden beneath the critical judging thoughts and worried, anxious feelings?

In this way, we’re no longer trying to get ourselves to change.  Instead, we’re standing in a relationship of compassionate curiosity toward each of these parts. 

Here’s an exercise you can try out for yourself. 

First, complete the following sentence by filling in the blank with something in your own life you wish to change:

 Something in me wants to ________________, AND, something in me doesn’t.

Take a moment to notice how that feels inside.

Then, if you’d like to experience the next step in the process, I’ve recorded a brief (12 minutes long) guided exercise that’s available for you to download.

Once you’ve listened to the recording, notice how it feels.  Is it different than when you started the exercise?  [I welcome your feedback - either in the comments below or via email]

And, if you’re still feeling a bit “stuck,” you might want to schedule a “live” Guided Focusing Session that’s designed especially for you (and your unique journey).

Filed Under: Finding Meaning, Focused Self-Care, Moving, Sensing, Thinking

Walking the Talk When Our Going Gets Rough

October 14, 2008 By Leave a Comment

 

You’ve just encountered a moment from hell.  You were going along fine, when suddenly life tripped you up.  It might have been a hurtful email from someone you thought was a friend.  Perhaps you lost a longtime customer or client to a business colleague whose motives you now question.  Or someone else questioned your own actions or motives.

Your first (and hopefully, brief) reaction to any of the above situations might be one of shock, with a pinch of anger or hurt (perhaps both!):  “How could he do that?”, “What’s wrong with her?”, or “Why me?”

Now what?

If you were to act from within this stress-filled mindset, chances are you would end up making the situation worse.  The more you stay focused on the negatives or on assigning blame, the more your actions and communication will then focus toward you becoming the winner and the other person the loser.  Then, your brief moment in hell expands to a day, or longer.

It’s easy to talk our talk.  And, it might even be easy to walk the talk when the going is smooth.  But what happens when the going gets rough?  Are there some strategies that can help us not only better understand our talk, but also make the walking easier?

Expand our awareness

When we are under duress, our perceptions often become narrowly focused on our own survival.  This is natural (our brains are actually hard-wired that way), and is especially important in matters of life and death.  However, the more we allow an adrenaline-fueled mindset to direct our thoughts and our actions, we become less aware of ourselves and less willing to explore alternative behaviors.

One way to expand our awareness is through the use of the Johari Window (1), a communication model initially developed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.  Using the analogy of a quarterpane window, each pane of the window describes 1 of 4 different levels of self-awareness:

1.    Open Area:  Things I and others know about me
2.    Blind Spot:  Things I don’t know, but others do know about me
3.    Hidden Area:  Things I know, but others don’t know about me
4.    Unknown:  Things that neither I nor others know about me

In a close-minded person, the “open area” quadrant is often rather constricted, with tightly held boundaries.  Through the careful give-and-take of self-disclosure and requesting feedback , it is possible to enlarge one’s open area, which then serves to decrease the size and influence of one or more of the other three areas.  As a person gains self-knowledge and self-esteem, this process also promotes the development of transparency and trust within his relationships with co-workers, family and friends.

Choose your response

With the Choice Map (2), Dr. Marilee Goldberg Adams offers a useful option.  Instead of reacting from within our “Judger Self”, she invites us to respond from within our “Learner Self.”  This approach allows us to make thoughtful choices that are solution-focused and provide for win-win relationships.

 

Talk less, listen more

Within this model, questions such as “Whose fault is it?” or “How can I prove I’m right?” shift to questions such as “What do I want?”, “What can I learn?” and “What’s the best thing to do?”  As a person’s reactive, inflexible and judgmental mindset becomes more thoughtful, flexible and accepting, her mood transitions from pessimism, stress and limitations to optimism, hope and possibilities.  Over time, relationships are able to grow and flourish within an atmosphere of respect and trust.

Becoming the change

Gandhi is well known for his admonition:  “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  I have adopted it as a cornerstone for both my business’  philosophy and how I choose to live my life.

Every day seems to gift me another unanticipated challenge to learn how to walk my talk–which is certainly easier said than done.

It helps if I can see each challenge as a well-timed opportunity rather than as a distressing burden.  It also helps to know that this is a learned skill, especially given our physiological tendency to self-protect when under stress.

Through the use of learning-oriented questions to increase both my levels of self-awareness and understanding of others, I can practice acting in harmony with my deepest values and beliefs.

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Footnotes:

  1. For an interactive Johari Window exercise, go to: http://kevan.org/johari.cgi
  2. Adapted from Goldberg, M. (1998).   The Art of the Question. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

[printable-PDF-version]

You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

ASK ME House article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at:  http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

Filed Under: Communicating, Focused Self-Care, Moving, Sensing, StressWELL, Thinking

How to Keep Deadline Paralysis From Claiming Another Victim

August 8, 2008 By 4 Comments

You’re working on a project that has a looming deadline. You started with lots of enthusiasm. You made some progress, but then crunch time arrives. You find yourself swirling amidst a torrent of conflicting ideas as your forward motion comes to a stop. Your mind goes numb. You can’t breathe. And the clock keeps ticking, louder and louder.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

Conventional wisdom would have you believe that better time management skills could provide a simple cure to deadline paralysis. Maybe that’s too simplistic a view.

Projects (especially those with deadlines) do include a time variable. But they also include another variable: energy. And successful energy management skills are just as important to your productivity as time management skills.

So what’s a body to do?

Here’s one way to think about it. You’re canoeing downstream, with plans to meet with friends at a designated place and time. Suddenly, you see yourself approaching a logjam that interferes with the river’s downward flow. As the water meets the logjam, pressure begins to build up, resulting in a more turbulent flow of water. You recall hearing about other canoeists who have been injured and even drowned in this part of the river.

No doubt you’re wondering (and worrying!) whether or not you’ll ever reach your destination. And whether or not you’ll get there on time. But, I’ll bet that you also might be considering whether you’ll still be in one piece when (or, even if) you finally get there.

How many logs make a jam?

First, take a breath and simply notice the logjam that blocks your progress. Recognize it. Acknowledge it. No need to sugar coat it, but don’t run away from it, either. No blame, no shame. Just, “hmmm, isn’t this interesting.”

Back up (and gain some perspective).

 Second, refocus your attention. Take a moment to double-check that you are in a fairly “safe” place along the river. (We don’t want you capsizing in that whirlpool right up against the logjam, after all!)

Now, pull back on your focus a bit until you can see both your destination and the logjam that currently blocks your progress. Check in with your breathing and your body for signals that you might need to alter your plans as you respond to the following questions:

  • What is your ultimate goal?
  • What do you really want to accomplish?
  • What are you responsible for, and to whom?
  • Given your projected timeline and current energy levels, is your original goal still desirable and feasible?
  • Can you renegotiate the project outcomes and/or deadlines?

As you resolve these questions, listen for your heart and mind to give you the “all clear” signal to move ahead.

Getting from here to there

Third, invite your creative side to come out and play. It’s a time when you can explore (from both a time and energy perspective) your options for moving forward. You might remember something that worked well in a previous experience. Or you can discover new ways of thinking and learning about the current situation.

Using the example of a logjam, you have several productive alternatives:

  • Use a snag boat. This is a special type of steam boat that literally breaks through the log jam and then lifts the logs into the boat where they can be chopped into smaller pieces. Try chopping your project down into small, doable pieces.
  • Raise the water level in the river. An increased supply of water can provide enough momentum to float the logjam loose. Take each of those small steps you just identified, one at a time, and you will soon find your way clear and your energy and momentum restored. It’s the increased flow of activity and energy that can make the difference.
  • Find a different route. Energy will always seek a path of least resistance. That is, the easiest route. It may sometimes mean lifting the canoe out of the water to portage downstream along the bank, past the logjam, before resuming your downstream journey.
    • Is there an easier (or less-labor intensive) way to get your project done?
    • Is there anyone who can help with some of those bits and pieces you identified earlier?
  • Find and remove the key log. Often, there is a single log that holds the logjam together. It’s also sometimes called the kingpin. Once you identify and remove that specific log, the blockage disappears and the entire logjam falls apart. In your case, the key log might be a limiting belief that blocks your way forward, such as “it has to be perfect.” Granting yourself permission for “good enough” instead of “perfect” might be all you need to resume your progress at full speed.

From “what now?” to “now, what?”

Logjams are a normal part of life on the river. Getting past them can sometimes leave you behind schedule as well as drained of energy and enthusiasm.

Getting back into perspective within your body, mind and spirit can help you to clarify your overall goal in light of your present situation. This clarity then offers a path of least resistance in which your creative energy can again flow forward.As a result, your downstream journey can be much more rewarding than if you had blindly reacted to your initial panic and fear when faced with the logjam. And you’ll successfully finish your project with time and energy to spare.

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You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

“ASK ME House, LLC article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at:  http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/“

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

Filed Under: Moving, Playing/Working, StressWELL