The Power of Presence, Music and Listening

January 7, 2012 By Leave a Comment

One night in 1945, at the end of World War II, an American soldier’s decision to play his trumpet stemmed–in part–from his ability to pause into the present moment with compassion and empathy.  By choosing to play “his love song” for the last remaining German sniper threatening his unit,  Col. Jack Leroy Tueller recognized the fear and loneliness common to us all.  As a result, the sniper was so moved that he couldn’t shoot, and surrendered the next morning.   Now 90, Tueller shares his precious story.

http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=2794

Has there been a time in YOUR life when [in a moment of conflict] you’ve been able to pause and respond from a place of compassion and empathy for the other person’s experience?

Your comments are always welcome!

 

Filed Under: Communicating, Finding Meaning, StressWELL

7 Foolish Things that Remind Me of Mom

July 4, 2011 By 4 Comments

NOTE - this blog post even has some background music [ These Foolish Things - Chet Baker ] to go along with it.  So, if you’ve got the sound turned “on”, you might want to click on the above link to listen along while you continue reading.

It all started in the raspberry patch this morning as I was harvesting the first of this season’s raspberry crop.  And during some ”across-the-fence” visiting with neighbors, Penny and Marilyn, I happened to mention that today was the first anniversary of my mom’s death.

As I worked my way through the tangle of brambles, enjoying the luscious sweet taste on my lips as I sampled a few of the plump-ripe berries, I remembered how mom would drop everything when presented with a bowl of fresh-picked raspberries.  She’d sit quietly, eating them one-by-one, savoring each one while dutifully emptying the bowl of its delights.

As I returned inside, I began to notice even more “foolish” things that daily serve to remind me of mom’s continuing presence in my life:

  • The glass cruet that mom kept filled with apple cider vinegar.  I remember we poured it on sliced, fresh tomatoes in the summer-time and cooked, frozen spinach in the winter-time.  I still love the taste of apple cider vinegar - often enjoying a spoonful of Bragg’s raw, organic vinegar in a glass of water.
  • Speaking of good things to drink, how about the beer mug that mom kept cold and ready in the refrigerator’s produce bin?  How mom loved her beer – especially if it included a bowl of peanuts!
  • And, with the beer, would come mom’s generous laugh.  Oh, how I loved her laugh – so full and rich and filled with life.  She knew how important laughter is in our lives.  And I keep her little plaque in my kitchen window to remind me that “a giggle a day keeps the glums away.”
  • Yet, for those days when the glums came anyway (whether for her or for someone else) there were always lots of little things around that could bring a giggle or two – or maybe even just a smile.   For example, there was always at least one copy of the Reader’s Digest around out in the studio – from where you could often hear one of us kids guffawing as we’d read through the jokes and anecdotes.  And as mom grew older, one of my favorite rituals included cranking the nose on the clown music box to make it begin to play “Send in the Clowns.”  Looking back, I’m not at all sure anymore whether that ritual ever made her actually “smile” [other than with a smile of toleration for my own silly ritual!].  But I did learn that all it really took to gladden her heart and light up her face with her soul-melting smile was to look up from her chair and see one of her kids or grandkids standing in the doorway of her room.
  • She was rightfully proud of the family she had grown–or at least I hope we’ve done her proud.   As we were growing up, we’d celebrate our birthdays with a cake that she had made, using an iridescent glass plate on which to display it.  It wasn’t until years later that I discovered that she had an entire set of those plates, along with a matching serving bowl in the cupboard.
  • Besides growing people, mom also grew plants–mostly the in-the-house type, like African violets or philodendron or English ivy.  And, for a long time (at least when I was a little girl), there were voluptuous sweet potato vines growing in her two matching Roseville “pinecone” vases.  A couple of weeks ago, after “baby-sitting” a neighbor’s vine, I decided to give it a try.  So far, no roots, but hopes still abound.

So many sweet memories.  Isn’t it amazing how such simple things can stir up so many memories?

I appreciate being able to share some of my memories and stories with you – and would love to hear some of yours.

So, what are some of the simple, foolish things in YOUR surroundings that bring back sweet memories of loved ones?

Feel free to leave a comment below, or send me an email.

Filed Under: Finding Meaning, Transcending

One Breath Bigger

February 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Jennifer Louden recently addressed the idea of becoming “Skillfully Empathetic” – an especially challenging dilemma for those of us who are caregivers.    We have huge hearts, and often expect that somehow we must be able to care for everyone else in the world.

In the piece, Jen offered some really insightful perspectives related to boundary-setting, discernment and self-care–as part of her year-long experiment in “Savoring and Serving.” 

In addition, she shared a wonderful  exercise in creating “energy boundaries” from Hiroboga‘s How to Rule Your World. 

As I read through and experienced this luscious exercise (thanks to both of you – Jen and Hiroboga for making this available!), I was intrigued by how beautifully it might nurture the concept of “Self-In-Presence” that I teach as part of  Inner Relationship Focusing.   That is, perhaps becoming more skillful at sensing our boundaries at an energy-based level of  body-mind-spirit-oriented knowing would also help us better respond to whatever challenges life brings our way. 

For example, I often teach that we need only become “one breath larger” than our biggest fear to become “Self-in Presence.”  Now, with this lovely exercise,  once we can  become clearer about sensing, recognizing and even shifting ALL of our boundaries – whether it’s our “skin envelope”, our energy body or our energy field – it should be easier for us to become that one breath larger than our most anxious or fearful part.

I invite you to check out both Jen’s article and Hiroboga’s exercise at the end of the article.  Then, stop back here and let me know what you think, ok?

Filed Under: Breathing, Finding Meaning, Focused Self-Care, Moving, Self Responsibility/Love, Sensing, Uncategorized

We would be one

January 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I often marvel at how often the hymn tunes we sing on Sunday mornings, or the readings or the sermon reflect so clearly and dearly on issues I’m exploring throughout the rest of my life.   [and just now, a part of me went "duh".....church would be pretty useless if it didn't relate to the rest of my life!].

Perhaps what I meant to say, was how I love being able to pause, and be reminded of how my life is living itself forward – sometimes quite unknowingly – from a place of inner rightness that only reveals tiny portions of itself at any given moment.

For example, several months ago, I shared a drawing and a poem through which I had begun to explore the concept of 

I’m not alone – and it’s not all up to me.

as a means of discovering

a me that’s separate from my work.

Then, as the new year approached, I found myself choosing two themes to carry my living forward through the next 12 months – each of which I now realize flow seamlessly from that earlier piece.

In choosing the first – “exquisite sufficiency” – I’ve borrowed a bit from Buckminster Fuller as a means of more fully experiencing that elusive quality of “enough”.  [hmmm - re-reading that sentence, I realize how oxymoronic it is - to more fully experience enough.  Ah well, the hour is late, and the year is still young!]

And, as if that 1st theme didn’t promise me enough opportunity for growth, I discovered that a 2nd theme was also choosing ME – that of “community”.   Interestingly enough, I had created a mandala drawing (see below) on January 1 – and only a week or so ago realized that in that drawing,  I had already created a visual community.

 As the year progresses, you’ll be hearing lots more about the various levels of community-building here at ASK ME House.   For example, our Virtual Changes group continues to flourish and expand in scope, I’ve recently created a “Kitchen-Table-Circle of Allies“, started hosting a new Meetup group,  am developing a formal internship program and will be incorporating an online community component to stresswell™.

And, this morning, as I joined my roomful of spiritual journey companions in song, it all felt so wonderfully (and sufficiently) right!

We Would Be One [1] 

We would be one, as now we join in singing,
a song of love to pledge ourselves anew
to that high cause of greater understanding
of who we are, and what for us is true.
We would be one in searching for that meaning
which binds our hearts and guides us on our way.

[1] Words:  Samuel Anthony Wright
  Music:  Jean Sibelius  [Hymntune = Finlandia]
  © 1933, renewed 1961 Presbyterian Board of Christian Education

Filed Under: Communicating, Finding Meaning, Playing/Working, Uncategorized

ASK ME

July 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Early one morning in the fall of 2006, I found a computer-printed envelope addressed to ASK ME House just inside my front door.  Inside was one printed page, which included the following:

An ASK ME poem for the ASK ME House.  I came across this poem in a book and thought you might like to see it since your house shares its title.  I hope you enjoy it and/or find it meaningful.

Ask Me by William Stafford

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

To:  ASK ME House (1027 Seymour)
Fr:  Anonymous (at least for now)
On this 27th of October, 2006

Several years later, I still have not learned the identity of the person who left me this precious gift–the first in a series of annual “love notes” to the house that have been arriving every October 27.   [It took me a couple of years to actually note the connection between October 27 and the house's street address of "1027".   And, it wasn't until 2009 that there was any personal reference to me by name--where previously the sender had also noted that s/he "didn't even know who lived in the house."]

Each annual packet of goodies has included some reference to “ASK ME” – and yet I remain most intrigued by how accurate a glimpse the poem offers into the overall philosophy and foundations of what “ASK ME House” is truly all about……

I am filled daily with peace through this gentle reminder of the process by which I choose to live, with gratitude for having discovered the work of William Stafford, and with awe for the enigma of how the introduction took place.

Now–if I could just solve the mystery of who “Anonymous” is….!

Filed Under: Communicating, Finding Meaning, Uncategorized

Resolved to Change – Aligning Your Head and Your Heart

May 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Printable PDF

How often have you found yourself saying:   “I need to change”?   It doesn’t matter whether the change involves eating right, exercising more, earning more money, etc. 

Our hearts tell us that we really want our lives to work better.  We start out—time after time, resolved to “do better” this time around. 

At first, all goes well. At least until our head joins in, apparently determined to keep us from changing.   The repertoire of critical voices inside our head often includes “My life isn’t right,” “I know I’m the problem”  and/or “I’m always standing in my own way.”

Then, the tug of war begins in earnest.  The longing of the heart battles the worried, critical voices of the head–each side bound and determined to get its own way.

Our response at this point, tends to include one (or even both) of the following:

  • We concentrate our efforts on what we DO want.  We’ll set intentions, create a dream board, recite affirmations.   But the Law of Attraction can go only so far.  Even the most carefully designed plan is still bound to meet some resistance along the way.
  • Attempting a logical response, we then try to understand the part inside that doesn’t want to change.  We attempt to reason with the critical part, or even defend against the voices that tell us we’re doomed to fail even before we start.  Unfortunately, all we get from all this effort is lots of inner judgment, blame and shame.

My mentor,  Ann Weiser Cornell likes to say,  “What we don’t realize is that the very way we are speaking about the problem is standing in the way of solving it…..That saying ‘how can I get myself to change?’ is sort of like trying to move a rug while standing on it!”

What might happen if, for a moment, we started with the source of the unease we’re feeling–the part that doesn’t want to change?   A great start would be to shift that initial statement to something like this:  “I want to change, but I don’t.”  [Or “I want (or need) to eat better, exercise more, earn more money, etc.”]  This at least recognizes that there are two sides to the issue. 

Notice, for a moment, how it feels to express it this way :  “I want to ____, but I don’t.”   Better, perhaps, yet it still sounds a bit judgmental doesn’t it?  It’s so easy for us to dip back up into our head, with its critical perspective.

Now, let’s see what might happen if we add just one little word:  “something.”  As in, “Something in me wants to change and something doesn’t.”  Ah, so there are two parts–a part that wants to and a part that doesn’t want to.   Now there’s even more space around that stuck place inside.  It’s not “just” me – it’s not who I am.    

Taking that even one step further, we might say:  “I’m sensing something in me that’s feeling frustrated and yearning for change.  It sees another part of me as the problem, and is trying to get it to change.”

Can you feel how that adds even more space?  And maybe even room for a little curiosity to bubble through–especially about that second part that doesn’t want to change.

Now we’re acknowledging that the not-wanting part might be as valid as the part that does want to change.  After all, it probably has its own very good reason for being the way that it is.  We don’t have to become best buddies with it.   However, we can at least respectfully allow it to speak, be heard and understood.  

And then–instead of seeing the not-wanting as an enemy to be eliminated–perhaps we could see it instead as a gift of life-forward energy just waiting for us to quietly and curiously unwrap it?  Could there really be a fragile space of wanting hidden beneath the critical judging thoughts and worried, anxious feelings?

In this way, we’re no longer trying to get ourselves to change.  Instead, we’re standing in a relationship of compassionate curiosity toward each of these parts. 

Here’s an exercise you can try out for yourself. 

First, complete the following sentence by filling in the blank with something in your own life you wish to change:

 Something in me wants to ________________, AND, something in me doesn’t.

Take a moment to notice how that feels inside.

Then, if you’d like to experience the next step in the process, I’ve recorded a brief (12 minutes long) guided exercise that’s available for you to download.

Once you’ve listened to the recording, notice how it feels.  Is it different than when you started the exercise?  [I welcome your feedback - either in the comments below or via email]

And, if you’re still feeling a bit “stuck,” you might want to schedule a “live” Guided Focusing Session that’s designed especially for you (and your unique journey).

Filed Under: Finding Meaning, Focused Self-Care, Moving, Sensing, Thinking

Crime Took a Holiday–Meaning-Making in Everyday Life

November 15, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Crime Took a Holiday:  Meaning-Making in Everyday Life

[printable pdf version]

No crimes to report

Oh Happy DayThursday, November 6, 2008.  The email message was rather brief: “No crimes to report for Wednesday 11-5.” Each weekday, my local police department sends out a Daily Crime Report via email, detailing such things as “aggravated assault,” “property damage,” “larceny,” “B&E”, and so forth.

“How interesting,” I thought, and found myself pondering whether there was any meaning to be found in the apparent non-occurrence of violence. Was it mere coincidence that no crime occurred the day following Obama’s election?

Would you like a story with that happening?

As the days unfold, life continues to happen-around us and to us. Much of the time, we do not even pay attention. Every once in awhile, something begins to reach for our awareness and grab our attention, pressing our inner “pause” buttons. For example, one day we might stop to notice something beautiful in nature. We might take a deep breath of acknowledgement and gratitude and then simply continue with our day (albeit with an extra smile in our heart).

At other times, we hold on to that something, so that we can carry it with us. Most often, we do this by giving it a story. So now, we have something to play repeatedly in our head.

What happens when we become stuck in our own stories – in the drama of our lives? As we continue to collect and hold on to our stories, the load gets heavier and it becomes harder for us to move forward.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a good story. Rather, it is helpful for us to consider the net effect of each story we create. Does our story help us take a step forward into living, or does it hold us back within a quagmire of emotional stuckness?

Which way forward?

There are varieties of creative methods to help us change negative stories into more helpful, positive stories. I invite you to follow along as I share a few examples:

Re-script the scene

Many years ago, my late husband, Alex flat-out disagreed with a choice that I had made. His response to my announcement was an emphatic “I cannot support this.” The more I replayed that scene in my head, I found myself feeling more frustrated and angry with both Alex and myself, as well as unable to move forward in the direction I had chosen.

Rewritten SignHowever, I took the opportunity to re-script the scene to include some additional verbiage from Alex. To his terse statement of “I cannot support this”, I added the following dialogue: “…..right now, based on my current understanding of the situation. I love you and am afraid that you will get hurt. Maybe, over time, I can feel more confident and be able to give you more support.”

This new script helped free me from my own negative emotional response, as it allowed me to move forward slowly in the direction I knew I needed to go. This process also provided a compassionate space of understanding between Alex and me, which then offered him an opportunity to observe and grow more comfortable with the situation.

Call it what it is

I had been finding myself increasingly uncomfortable whenever I heard someone use the phrase, “You need to get out of your comfort zone.” Somehow, adding a layer of guilt for my supposed laziness did not seem to encourage me to spring into action-especially if it entailed the certainty of more discomfort.

Yet, when I examined my image of “comfort zone,” I discovered that within this context, it more closely resembles a “fear zone” in which I become imprisoned. Allowing myself to simply acknowledge and name the current fear-along with my stated goal-is often enough to help me step outside the zone of fear.

Reframe the story

reframingRecently, a friend reported that she was experiencing a “fear of success” that threatened to keep her from doing what she needed to help grow her business. She made a decision to acknowledge and befriend her sense of fear within a spirit of caring, compassionate curiosity.

The next morning, she excitingly shared that what she had previously defined as fear, had begun to shift. Instead, she had awoken with a sense of a growing “readiness to learn” the next new thing that awaited her.

Deciding how much to believe of our stories

In 1824, in “Tales of a Traveler,” Washington Irving confessed, “I am always at a loss to know how much to believe of my own stories.” Sometimes, as in the case of the curious non-crime report, the veracity of any specific cause-effect story would be hard to prove, so it obviously would not be the type of story to proclaim as absolute truth.

On the other hand, if any of my own personal stories helps to propel me forward into positive action (especially if I do not require anyone else to accept or approve it), then I am willing to welcome the creative opportunity into my life.

Image Credits (unless otherwise noted, all on Flickr (cc) Some Rights Reserved) :

1.        Oh Happy Day by Mary Elaine Kiener (cc)  Some Rights Reserved

2.        Rewritten Sign by The Loopweaver

3.        Reframing by AmyMo

Filed Under: Finding Meaning

Conversations with My GPS

September 8, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Start Your Engine

Day 1 of a 14-day car trip by myself:  A beautiful day, filled with clear skies, warm sun and an open road.  It was a perfect day for a drive through the countryside.

I had a destination to reach the following day.  But, for a day, I was totally on my own—free to explore a bit of the lovely countryside that patiently waited.

Alone with my thoughts, I was suddenly tempted by the promise of a scenic by-way.  As I chose the new road, my peaceful reverie was suddenly intercepted by a woman’s voice, quietly announcing:  “Calculating route.”

Ah, yes, I’d almost forgotten about my new travel companion—my recently purchased GPS (Global Positioning System).  Inspired by her brand name (Magellan) and feminine voice, it had seemed only natural to name her “Maggie.”

“Such a pleasant change,” I thought, as I recalled car trips with my late husband, during times when I was driving.  Whenever I would choose to stray from a route that he had expected me to take, he would often respond with a startled and impatient “Why did you turn there?” or “Where are you going now?”  Followed by either raised voices or stony silence, with an unhealthy dose of blame or shame and hurt feelings thrown in for good measure.

As the days of my journey with Maggie unfolded, I found that—just as she helped me navigate a 2000 mile car trip—she emerged as a kind of metaphor for my inner wisdom as I navigate my personal life journey.  With a growing sense of curiosity, I explored various ways I might listen to myself that were nestled within my experience with Maggie as a travel companion.

A still, small voice

Once Maggie knew our destination, she became like the still, small voice of wisdom inside of each of us—our inner compass.  As I neared a turn or an exit, she would always give me gentle spoken reminders, ending with a little chime as I would arrive at the designated exit.  Often, especially when on the freeway, she would even let me know that I should “stay on the current road.”

Reminder to self: How often do I check in with myself—my inner wisdom?  Do I remember to listen to my “felt sense”—that bodily sense of knowing that I can always trust to keep me on my right path?  How often do I ignore that little voice inside of me?  How often do I wait until it has to practically shout at me before I stop and pay attention?

Maintaining focus

As Maggie started to work, her opening screen would include a reminder to keep my eyes on the road and pay attention to my driving.  Brief check-ins with the screen images were ok, but my focus needed to be in the task at hand:  driving safely from here to there.

Reminder to self: In my daily life, where is my focus?  Am I paying attention to the present moment, or am I lost in thoughts and feelings from past events?  Am I so bogged down with could’s, should’s and ought’s that I miss the beauty and perfection that surrounds me?  When I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed–not sure of where to turn–do I stop at least long enough to breathe?  Do I remember to check in with myself and get my bearings before barreling ahead?

The inner critic

Once I had programmed the desired destination, Maggie offered several alternative settings (i.e., fastest time, shortest distance, most use of freeways or least use of freeways) before creating the recommended route.  Whenever I happened to deviate from the route she had provided, Maggie always maintained her equanimity, with never an emotional outburst replacing her ever-present, even-tempered response, “Calculating route.”

Reminder to self: That inner critic that often resides inside my brain, is NOT part of my inner wisdom.  I can acknowledge the fear that tends to underlie my mind’s self-protective settings that manifest as blame, shame, snarky and snotty.  And then switch to my preferred channel of self-talk.

A long leash of serendipity

A few times, I evidently chose one too many scenic detours from the established route.   However, Maggie declined to pout or offer any snide comments.  Instead, in a sort of resigned puzzlement, she quietly invited me to “Say a command,” as her screen offered several options for me to clarify my needs.  Once she was reassured of my final destination, she was content to let me continue to explore various byways.  Blessedly, she also kept track of my time commitment, so that I could easily arrive at my destination on time.

Reminder to self: The more I can honor my creative urges, while respecting necessary deadlines, the less stressful my life will become.  Knowing my inherent level of curiosity and my propensity for immersing myself within an exploratory journey of learning, how can I consistently anticipate and include that exploration time into my scheduling process?

Tuning out the world

On several occasions during the trip, I knew exactly where I was and how to get to where I was going.  I was self-assured and confident, my direction was clear.  At times, I simply ignored the quiet commands as they occurred (especially easy if the radio or a CD was playing).  Once or twice, I actually turned Maggie off, with gratitude for both her willingness to assist, but also for the renewed silence in the car.

Reminder to self: Sometimes the chatter from the outside world distracts me from my values and goals.  Am I able to separate myself from the distractions that surround me?  Am I able to make a well-reasoned decision and move forward toward desired action steps with confidence and without need for outside support and acclamation?  And am I willing to bless myself with occasional silence?  Do I schedule opportunities to withdraw from the busy push-tug world around me (e.g., by turning off email and cell-phone)?

A personal GPS unit

For all her recognized benefits, Maggie could never quite measure up to being my ideal travel companion and conversationalist.  She’s a bit too matter-of-fact, with no ability for idle chit-chat.  And she seems to have no sense of humor.  While I loved her non-judgmental approach, I did miss the opportunity for compassionate and empathetic dialogue.

Interestingly, during the middle of my two week journey, I participated in a Focusing Institute Summer School.  During 6 full days, along with about 70 other wonder-full souls, I learned to listen to my “felt sense,” which Ann Weiser Cornell  describes as “a body sensation that has meaning.”

As a result, I returned from my travels with a second fully-functioning personal GPS system.  In this case, GPS could mean “grounded power source,”  “gut-perfect sensations,” or even “grounded presence, subtlely.”  This newly tuned device resides deep within my body wisdom, ever ready to compassionately keep me on track.  As long as I’m willing and ready to listen.

*******************

You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

ASK ME House article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at:  http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

Filed Under: Communicating, Finding Meaning, Focused Self-Care, Sensing